Peter's Cross Station

No Place Like Home

I bought these shoes in Kansas City:

  
 

(Technically, they came from the Missouri side, but just barely, and I wore them in Kansas.)

Nat was extremely upset that I left town with Selina but not her.  I suppose that's to be expected, but she had a heck of a grand time in my absence.  She had her end-of-year school picnic to which both Josiah and Whitney took her.  (Always keep the private school crowd guessing, is my new motto!)  When Cole arrived, she took her to see Diana Ross in concert.  Cole explained to Nat, when picking her up from school, that they would be staying up past bedtime, having popcorn for supper and seeing a very special show.  At this, (so I'm told) Nat's eyes got very big and she asked, "Does Mama Shannon know?"  Nat thinks even Cole needs the Mama Shannon Clearance for Fun.  Then, it seems they had a picnic again on Sunday, featuring smoked salmon and cheese, both of which Nat loves.  Then, Cole took her bike riding.

Then I came home and you would have thought she was locked in a closet for the past four days.

Sigh.

I will probably be going again soon, and I don't think either kid will be coming next time.  A big part of Nat's distress was missing Selina.  And while Selina had a grand time being an only child for a few days, she missed Nat a lot too.  They both spent a lot of time talking and asking about each other.

It's going to be a weird summer, with lots of visits to Kansas City, as my father is going to be doing chemo for pretty much all of it.  It would appear that he has cancer of an especially nasty type.

Other than that, gee, things are rosy.  Selina will be three on Sunday.  Can you believe that?  (No, I know, you cannot.  Me neither.)  We're doing a low-key birthday zoo trip with a couple of friends and cake.  Selina keeps changing her mind about what she wants on the cake, but it's always an animal.  A sheep, a dog, a giraffe, an alligator, a lion, yadda yadda.  I will probably either do a lion or a zebra.

I will show you the finished product.  Selina is very excited about the whole thing and looking forward with great enthusiasm to the Dora underwear I promised her she would get to wear when she...you know the rest.  I am unveiling said underwear at the birthday party for extra effect.  I don't even like Dora, but Selina does and WHATEVER WORKS, right?  Here's to a diaper-free family!  Coming soon to a blog near you...

P.S. Yes indeed, your prayers, thoughts, candles, meditations on the void on behalf of my family would be awesome.

Planets, Stars, Fantastical Gender Bending: A Sampling of Art by Nat

Nat does art every day at school.  For a while it was all markers, but these days, there's been a lot of paint.  Thought I'd share.

First up, we have standard Nat style, which always includes both ground (a horizontal slash across the bottom) and a sun (here, it is purple, found in the top right-hand corner).  This picture also includes, according to Nat, lots of stars and planets:

Next, we enter the self-portrait genre.  Here you can see that Nat is wearing sunglasses, and no wonder, since the sun in this case, is bright yellow.  There's no ground here, but there is an odd third appendage there at the bottom of the person.  When asked, Nat explained that the third appendage is a penis, because "in this picture, I am pretending to be a boy."  Well okay, then.

 

Most days, Selina stays home with either a mom or a baby sitter while Nat gets dropped at school, but last week, Selina came along to drop off.  Apparently, Nat thought about her sister all day, because she burst out of the classroom at pickup, and barreled into Selina, handing her all the papers she had done that day.  Almost all of them had Selina's name on them, but I liked this one the best.  If I was Selina, I'd make up some personal stationery featuring this picture:

 
 

 

The Kid Team

Nat has this crazy habit of asking me for something, then, when I've said no, turning to Cole and asking her for the same thing--even though Cole was right there when I said no.  Cole keeps saying, "Mama Shannon and I are on the same team!"  The other day, she added, "the parent team!" To which, Nat responded, "and Selina and me are the kid team!"

How very true that is.  They are, indeed, already ganging up on us--purposefully, I mean.  And it's worrying, because they are both shaping up to be scary-smart.

You know, we were aware that Nat was a super-genius.  We are in enough awe of that.  But now, at 2 and a half, here comes Selina.  She is not reading a couple dozen sight words as Nat was doing at her age, but she is speaking in (lispy, baby-talk) grammatically, syntactically correct paragraphs using vocabulary beyond her years (months?).

Also.  Selina started sleeping in a real bed a couple of months ago.  By real, I mean, the trundle we took from under Nat's twin bed.  (They sleep in different rooms, however.)  It took her a while to realize that she was free to move about her room, now that the crib was no more.  But once she did, she quickly developed this pattern:

We put her to bed a la the usual routine of books and songs and rocking and hugs and kisses etc.

We leave.

She gets up, turns on her light and reads books in her bed. (She "reads" out loud, from memory, or makes up stories based on the pictures.) Then, after 30-60 minutes, she puts away the books (after a fashion), turns the light back off and goes to bed.  Seriously.

Our strategy is to pretend we don't know she's doing this.  But the whole time we are listening to her read to herself.  It's gut-wrenchingly adorable.  Now, Nat might try the same thing, but it's more of a challenge to our lights-out policy, rather than just a pleasant "I will read until I'm ready to sleep" personal routine, like with the guileless Selina.

I say Selina isn't reading like Nat, but of course, she could if she was the elder/only child getting Mama Shannon's games with learning words.  On the other hand, Nat loved that game, and I don't think Selina would be as into it.

But she is into letters and words more and more these days.  And I think she may end up an early reader too, if only because Nat teaches her (poor neglected second kid).  Here's an example:

Selina: (reading aloud to self) "B-R-O-O-M-I"

Nat: "No, Selina, it's a V, not a B, and that's an exclamation point, not an I!  See? V-R-O-O-M: 'Vroom!'"

Selina: "B-R-O-O-M: 'broom!'"

Nat: "No, Selina, V, not B!"

Poor Selina, in fact means V, but she has a bit of a speech thing going on.  For example, "Mama Shannon, I want to sweep wiff you!"

"You want to sweep with me?"

"No, Mama Shannon, not sweep, sweep!"

I know, I shouldn't tease her.  But it was funny.

And don't worry, my ears are open to make sure her speech clears properly as she gets older.  It's much clearer now than it used to be and she's still pretty little.  But if she seems to need any help, we are, of course, on it.

And that's the adorable children report for the New Year.

More of substance asap, I promise!

Sisterly Love

Nat is still "phasing in" at school.  Selina went with me again today to wait for Nat on the playground.  When it was time to go in and get her, I told Selina we were going to get sister. 
She hovered by the classroom door waiting and waiting for Nat to come out and when Nat appeared, Selina threw her arms around her and gave her a huge, spontaneous hug, saying "sister! you are finished with school?"

One of those moments when you wish you had a video camera behind your eyes.

Ear Infections

Any advice?  Selina cried nonstop for three days before it occurred to me to consider an ear infection.  As luck would have it, the day I finally did consider it was the kids' first appointment with our new doctor, who confirmed it immediately and gave us antibiotics.

Selina had an ear infection at six months, but hasn't had one since then, until now.  Nat has never had one.  So I'm not a practiced ear-infection mom.  There was no fever, so I was flummoxed.  But the Doctor said fevers aren't always a part of it.

Other than thinking of it when Selina acts like a colicky 4th-tri baby, do you have any ear infection advice to offer?  Prevention, treatment, detection, anything at all?

Bragging and Pre-School Momxiety

The kids went to get their eyes checked for the first time ever, last week.

Since I was taking a two-year old who's been finally cutting her molars and is Miss CrankyPants-I-Will-Hit-You-Just-Because-I'm-In-Pain-And-You-Are-The-Closest-Thing and a four-year old who likes to disassemble everything she lays eyes on, I thought it best to bring along Babysitter J for back up. There are eyeglass frames laying out all over the store, many in perfect toddler reach.

So there we sat in the office, Nat up in the examining chair, J and I in the back, with Selina crawling between us.  The doctor said to Nat in a schmarmy condescending voice, "do you know your ABCs, honey?"  Nat didn't even seem to really understand what he was asking so I said "she knows them!" and the doctor proceeded to flash up the first eye chart.

The chart read "H R N"

"Hern," said Nat.

I then hastily explained to Nat that these weren't words and she should just read out the letters for the doctor.  I stood up and pointed to each one as she read.  Her eyes turned out to be fine.

Next was Selina's turn.  The doctor flashed up a chart with silhouettes of a fish, a car, a tree, an airplane.  Selina looked at the slightly curvy fish.  "S?" she asked.

I pointed to the tree.  "No sweetie, they aren't letters.  What's this?"

"T?" she wondered.

I figured she thought we wanted her to identify letters as she'd just watched her sister do.  I asked the doctor to use letters instead of pictures.  So he put up a chart that read "E S N Z"

Selina grinned, raised her right hand in the air and signed "E" then "S."  But she didn't make a peep with her voice.

"That's right!  I said, "good job, smart girl!"

The doctor looked befuddled.  "She can see them just fine," I explained.

****

But before Selina had her turn, the doctor was looking into Nat's eye with the light and he told her "Look over my shoulder at your mom and dad."  Again, Nat didn't seem to get it.

Now neither J nor I really care if people mistake us for a hetero-nuclear family.  But my mind was racing ahead to the fact that Nat will be starting at her school next month.  She is going to be hearing a lot about her theoretical "dad" from people all the time.  So I decided to let it be a teachable moment.

"Nat, darling," I asked her, "is J your dad?"

"No!" said Nat, like anyone who might think that must be crazy, "he's J!"

"Do you have a dad?" I asked her further.

"No--I have two moms!" she clarified.

"Oh! that's nice" said the doctor.

So now she knows that A) it's not a secret that her family is a little atypical B) a possible script for clearing up any confusion in that department and C) people won't be mad or freaked out or anything over it.  (I knew the eye doctor wouldn't be--he's probably gay himself and the clinic is in Lesbianville, Chicago.)

Nat's school is technically queer-family-friendly.  There are a couple of other same-sex-headed families there.  Two children of lesbians are in her age group (3-6 year-olds), but neither are in her actual class.  I have a feeling the default theoretical family teachers and other kids will imagine and refer to will be a mommy-daddy-kids family.  Nat has already internalized that norm from watching her various videos.  PBS kids may have some high quality educational shows, but they are no better than anyone else when it comes to family diversity.

And I have been anxious as heck about all this for a few weeks now.

Originally, we planned to homeschool at least until the kids were around 8 or 9 or even older, in large part to keep them from facing too much marginalization due to all their difference from the other kids--like the whole, interracial-queer-adoptive family thing, ya know?  I figured I'd teach them until they were ready to kick serious butt (intellectually that is) if needed, to stand up for themselves and feel expressive and confident.

Then we moved, and I found a school that seemed like maybe it will be a good fit and the kids won't be all that different and the school values difference anyway and yadda yadda now I'm panicking.

It's not that I don't know Nat will manage just fine.  It's just that she's only four and a half.  I want her to feel strong and confident when she's facing that kid who insists a girl can't marry a girl (however innocently).  And there have already been a couple of foreshadowy incidents on the public playground here, in which a boy about 5ish years old was judging her for her less-than-stellar performance on the jungle gym (Nat's gross motor skills are still very late, though not enough to truly be considered "delayed") and then later tried to pull her hat off to see her hair because he thought in this way he could determine her true gender, though upon being asked, she had already told him she was a girl.

(I took note recently that almost all of the girls' play clothes are from the "boys'" departments of the stores and almost all their dress up clothes are dresses.  I just tend to not like play clothes for girls and I tend to LOVE the dresses I find for them.)

Cole intervened in this stuff with this particular boy and Nat is just too naive to feel bad about it anyway.  She's all like "yeah I'm a girl, yeah, I have pretty braids, yeah I'm new to the monkey bars, wanna be best friends forever?"

And thus I see her as a lamb among, well, if not wolves, sort of overly rambunctious puppies, perhaps, who might inadvertently nip her too hard when she's least expecting it.

One thing I've been doing is teaching her language that she might hear so she can make it her own and/or correct people who use the wrong language.  I've been teaching her that "when two girls love each other and get married and are two moms with kids, that's called 'lesbians.'"  I'm also teaching her that the same re: boys is called "gay" and the same re: a boy and a girl is called "straight."

If someone says "your moms are lesbians!" I want her to know that everybody has a label of this type and if need be, she can say "your parents are straight!"

So bent am I on instilling this in her that we are going to make three collages and hang them on the bedroom wall.  One will be called "Lesbians" and will feature pictures of female couples looking goo-goo at each other.  The other two will be similar, and titled, "Gay" and "Straight."

If all of this sounds silly, well, guess what?  One of the issues that I have often read about in books on the topic suggests that even kids whose parents are 100% out and have been since the kid was born may leap to the defensive and insist "no way!" if/when some other kid says "your dad is gay!" for example.  It could be that there's never been a reason to introduce the term at home, since it is just the normative family style, just like most kids with a mom and a dad wouldn't "know" their parents are "straight."

Also, when the term "gay" inevitably gets thrown around as an insult, Nat can play Raffi to whatever Billy is up in her face.

But can she do this at four tender years?

I may never sleep again.

How I Got My Kids to Eat Kale

I was gonna call it, "How To Get Your Kids To Eat Kale" but thought better of it.  Because kids--they're a mixed bunch.  You just never know.  Still, if you want your kids to eat kale and they don't eat it, you're welcome to try my technique.

Time was when Nat had leafy greens daily.  Remember Green Supper?  Ah the golden days of baby and toddlerhood!  These days, I sneak frozen spinach into mac and cheese, spaghetti sauce, under the cheese on the pizza--otherwise they'd never get greens at all.  (Selina might, but she suffers from second child syndrome and typically gets whatever Nat's getting, thus fewer greens than Nat got at her age.)

Anyway, I have some kale in one of my back porch window box planters.  It's a variety called "perpetual spinach" because it's mild and can be used as a substitute for spinach,but is easier to grow and just keeps going all season.

I have cut it, cooked it, served it raw--none of these things got a thumbs up from the kids (they did from Cole and me, though).  Instead, they'd chew it, spit it out, play with it, toss it on the floor and otherwise waste this awesome fresh green that should be in their little bodies fighting oxidants and making them super girls.

Until they were playing outside while I picked it.  "I want a leaf!" declared Nat.

"What?  This kale?" I asked.

"Yeah, the kale!" she said.  I gave her a baby leaf.  She gobbled it down.  "I want anther one!" she begged.

By now, Selina was at my ankles, whining "Me too!  Me too!" (her perpetual battle cry).
I stood there pulling them off one leaf at a time until my kale was cut back to the roots.  They ate it with gusto.  About every three days, I get enough mature leaves to repeat this and so far, they haven't caught on to the fact that this is the same thing they have rejected on a plate time and again.

Kale.  The new Ice Cream Truck.

Give it try with yours and let me know how it goes!

Proud of My Girls

Selina:

A couple of days ago, Selina mistook someone on the street for Babysitter J (her favorite person on the planet Earth).  She called his name happily, but we told her it was someone else.  The man turned around and looked at her with distinct annoyance on his face.  "Say hi!" we cajoled Selina, because we felt awkward.  But after a couple of times being told this, Selina looked the obviously disgruntled man in the eye and said, calmly, "I don't want to say hi."

Well good for her.  She shouldn't have to make us feel less awkward about a perfectly harmless baby mistake or feel the need to be polite and conciliatory to strangers who aren't polite and conciliatory themselves.  Anyway, that's my humble opinion.  I think it's a very good thing to be polite and gracious, and we are certainly teaching our kids that.  But you know, girls are asked far too much by our culture to smile and act nice for the benefit of others.  And they shouldn't have to if they don't want to.  I was proud of Selina for discerning that this strange, annoyed man was not someone she really wanted to engage.  She wanted to engage her beloved J.

Nat:

Nat is a champ in her Spanish class.  She really loves the teacher and I think the teacher is rather fond of her too.  But they do this weird thing at the school.  They use a plant mister--a little spray-bottle full of water, and they squirt the kids with it as a reward when they respond in an exercise or game.  I can't even imagine how anyone came up with that idea.  I see a water mister and think "cat punishment" right?  But the other kids (not Nat) just laugh and giggle and seem to love it when the teacher squirts them with this water bottle.

So it was Nat's turn, and she dutifully did whatever the teacher was aiming for her to do and the teacher squirted her. I was peeking through the classroom window and I saw Nat flinch.  I happen to know she hates to be sprayed with anything, because she complains whenever I spray water or conditioner on her hair when I'm braiding it.  So the teacher made it around the circle and got back to Nat again.  She asked Nat for a response again, and Nat hesitated, looked the teacher in the eye, and said calmly but clearly, "I don't want you to spray me with that water."  The teacher told her that was fine and she promised not to spray Nat any more.  Then Nat gave her the answer she wanted, and the teacher cheered her sin water sprayer.

I was just really impressed that Nat didn't cry or throw a tantrum or try to leave the circle, (or come looking for me) but neither did she submit to something she didn't like.  She named her boundary politely and made sure it was going to be respected before she went on with the exercise.

Really, I think I was as proud of that as I was of her quick and ready responses to the instruction.  Prouder even, maybe.

I wouldn't have done that at four.  No way, no how.  I would have rolled over with whatever awful thing the adult was doing or telling me to do.  I was a meek little kid.  Nat is not meek, but she is not rude, either.  Go Nat!

Two Over Two

Selina's second birthday has come and gone (Saturday) and was, I have to say, a huge success.  She was aware this year, that she was the birthday girl (she remembered Nat's birthday from February and knew what it meant) and enjoyed--really for the first time in her life--a real place at center stage.  Nat was a gracious supporting cast member and terrific big sister, helping (no, really just helping) Selina open her gifts and appreciate her cake.  Well, Selina didn't really appreciate her cake at all.  I had hoped she would recognize Sandra Boynton's hippopotamus, but for one reason and another, she didn't seem to.

  Nat did, though, so that was nice.  Actually, it was pretty amusing.  For the party I had veggie crudite and dip, plus some whole apples and pears.  Selina usually gets cut fruit, but Nat can eat a whole fruit.  So Nat had been munching away on an apple, but when she heard cake was imminent, she handed the apple to Selina, who was really excited about getting a big, whole apple, like sister usually gets.  So the cake sort of didn't register in the wake of her excitement about the apple.  She held it in her hand while I tried to get her to blow out the candles.  Cake was really underwhelming for her.

She did like eating the cake.  But I am not sure she liked it more than the apple.  (Nat did, though!)

Mama Fern was here (along with Grammy and Granddaddy, Babysitter J, friend Krystal and her guest, Justin and neighbors K and D) , which was nice, as she was unable to get together for Mothers' Day this year.  I have to let you know something, though.

I have decided not to blog much about our specific adoption experiences here anymore.  I will still be blogging about adoption in general and about our family on a surface level, but I have been unable to figure out where the line is for me in sharing too much of others' stories.  Since the kids are too little to help decide how they feel about sharing their own stories, and since neither of the first mothers in our family have computer access, I feel too much responsibility for the control of the story.  I am going to err on the side of telling too little, rather than telling too much.

I guess I've had this policy for a while, unofficially, but now I'm letting you know.

Meanwhile, I want to also let you know that if you ever want to email me and ask to hear more of our experience in order to help you sort out your own, please do feel free.  I don't have a problem discretely sharing with you as an individual.  I just think publishing on the WWW is a bit too much for me at this point.

Suffice it to say that we have what I think of as successful open adoptions in the sense that all parties are doing all they are able for the best interest of the children.  But that doesn't mean we have happy, rosy stories. "All we are able" is sometimes quite short of perfect and that is the case in our family.  But I also feel that "all we are able" is something the children will understand and appreciate as they grow up.

I will also say in vague terms that open adoption is HARD.  Sometimes I fear people will think it is easy for others and so when they don't find it easy themselves, they decide it must be wrong for them and they close the adoption.  I will say it again, I am finding open adoption to be a serious challenge.  A struggle.  Painful.  But all in that way where you know the pain is good for you and means you are growing.  I am especially convinced that it is good for my children, which is why I work so hard at it, however challenging I find it.

I think both kids--especially Nat--are beginning to really understand some things about their families in an age-appropriate, organic way that will prevent sudden surprises that might really hurt them and turn their realities upside down to learn later.  So again:  hard but good.  And again, feel free to write personally via email to share your story or hear more of ours if you feel it will help in any way.

And now we are off for family adventure day at the aquarium.  We hear the dolphins and whales are back from "vacation!"

Arty

Nat has made some fun pictures lately.  I thought I'd share a smattering (so I don't have to actually keep them.)

This is a drawing Nat calls "Go" which she is still learning with Babysitter J, who says she's coming right along:

Here's a pretty painting.  Only recently, she's started paying more attention to filling space and color in a way she finds pleasing and balanced--as opposed to just going nuts with the brush for kicks.  I like this one, because it's in my favorite color scheme:

I dictated the letters and Nat wrote Selina's name.  I thought it was pretty good:

Nat has started to write a lot of words lately.  I only dictated this one.  Others she's written include "bear" and "apple."  She spelled bear correctly on her own, but apple, she spelled "APPL."  But I was impressed that she put two Ps in there.  Invented spellers at Nat's stage would typically just write APL.  And Bear--maybe BR.  But she reads a lot, so I guess she picks up some spelling that way, unconsciously.  I want to start writing stories with her, but I need some pointers on getting good stories out of children.

Here's a fairly typical face these days.  Sometimes, though, they do get quite elaborate with jewelry and appendages and clothing.  She still hasn't hit the torso stage.  When she does limbs, they come straight from the face:

 

And finally, a cameo from Selina!  Her style is interesting. Unlike Nat, who I mentioned has only recently started thinking about filling te space consciously (painting above), Selina is already quite focused on filling the page in a balanced way, with similar marks, in a variety of colors, evenly spread over the page: