Blessings and Curses

Two annoying phrases in the media regarding the Obama-Wright controversy have been bouncing around my brain lately.  The first is "should Obama be judged by the company he keeps?" (via Salon) and the second is "Is Jeremiah Wright 'typical' of Black preachers?" (via NPR).

To the first, I say heartily, "absolutely!" by which formula Obama's association with Wright boosts him in my esteem.  To the second I say "what?"

It reminds me of a piece NPR did when I was living in D.C. called "The Other Side of the River" which was a multiple-installment report on the Anacostia neighborhood of D.C.  In typical white-liberal fashion, the report assumed the listener lived on "this" side of the river.  Much as within white supremacy, all "people" are white until marked otherwise, the river's "other" side was of course, the Black neighborhood.

NPR assumes its listeners are a bunch of white liberals who now have cause to worry about what Black People Are Saying in Church.  Just like there's not one "Black Family" which all us white transracial adopters need to emulate to do right by our children, there is more than one Black Church.  And anyway, Wright isn't even part of a traditionally Black denomination!  The UCC is mostly white.  His church, as he explains in the Moyers interview (I'm gonna keep hounding you until you've all watched it and reported back to me) was planted on the south side of Chicago by white liberals imagining an integrated church.  But no white people really ever showed up, so the church decided to give up and embrace its Blackness.

I dare you to find a "typical" Black preacher any quicker than you can find a typical white one.  Is John Hagee one?

My ambivalence about the democratic primary race evaporated the second the Clinton campaign (and/or its surrogates) started playing the race card.  I was done with Clinton as soon as Gloria Steinem and Geraldine Ferraro started hinting around that Obama was an unqualified affirmative-action case.  I was beyond done when this Jeremiah Wright stuff started.  Because, as the signs say, Wright is right.  And Wright's use of the spotlight to draw more attention to the issues about which he so deeply cares is nothing but spiritual opportunism at its best, if you ask me.

Wright got in trouble for suggesting that God may not bless "America" when it takes actions contrary to justice.  So, how do those who couldn't handle Wright's words manage to digest this:

"Then he looked up at his disciples and said:
‘Blessed are you who are poor,
   for yours is the kingdom of God.
‘Blessed are you who are hungry now,
   for you will be filled.
‘Blessed are you who weep now,
   for you will laugh.

‘Blessed are you when people hate you, and when they exclude you, revile you, and defame you* on account of the Son of Man.  Rejoice on that day and leap for joy, for surely your reward is great in heaven; for that is what their ancestors did to the prophets.

‘But woe to you who are rich,
   for you have received your consolation.
‘Woe to you who are full now,
   for you will be hungry.
‘Woe to you who are laughing now,
   for you will mourn and weep.

‘Woe to you when all speak well of you, for that is what their ancestors did to the false prophets.*

Jesus preached that.  But then, Jesus wasn't really very typical was he?

If some white Christians aren't hearing this Word in their churches, maybe they need to go visit Wright's church, or one like it.  Because they are missing half of the story if they stop with the blessings.

* Luke 6:20-26

Jeremiah Wright on Bill Moyers Journal Tonight

Don't know if you saw it, but...wow!  Jeremiah Wright is smart, kind and good-looking.  He didn't say a single word I disagree with.  Moyers also played longer clips of the sermons that were cut to meaningless shreds for anti-Obama hysteria purposes.  I was standing up in my living room shouting Amen, and so was Cole and she's an atheist.  David Brooks said tonight on the News Hour that Wright should just keep his mouth shut if he wants to help Obama.  He couldn't have been more wrong.

Check out the interview here.

Adoptees?

What about you? When you pray for your family--first or adoptive--or yourself as an adoptee, what do you consider?

Thanks for your help!

Need Advice from the Birth Moms

I am trying to write some prayers for use in all kinds of adoption situations (Big Freelance Writing Job) and I would love to hear some feedback on what kinds of things you pray for your child(ren) placed in adoption, for your child(ren)'s adoptive parents and other family, for yourself, etc. I have a list, but it was brainstormed mostly by me and a couple of other adoptive parents. Anything you'd be willing to share would be very much appreciated. If you'd like to email me privately with responses, please, please do.

Thanks in advance!

More Later

So I dropped the Advent ball yesterday. I started working on something during nap time, then the kids woke up. Later, after they were in bed, Cole and I were cuddling on the couch and having a grownup conversation about nothing special and I found myself about to say "I need to go finish a blog post" and realized that my priorities were seriously messed up.

As the slogan at my old church in DC used to say:

"Slow down. Quiet. It's Advent!"

I saved the draft, though and I'll finish it and get it up here when I have the time, the desire and the brain power to do so.

Peace out.

Advent 2

<a href="http://bible.oremus.org/?ql=64169906">Luke 10:25-36</a>

Most of you have probably at least heard of the "Good Samaritan."  It's a phrase that gets watered down in popular culture to refer to a nice or generous or helpful person.  Maybe someone who makes a personal sacrifice to help someone else.  But the "Good Samaritan" is quite a bit more than just a general do-gooder.

The parable of the Samaritan is actually Jesus's answer to a trick question from his audience:

<i>Just then a lawyer stood up to test Jesus. ‘Teacher,’ he said, ‘what must I do to inherit eternal life?’ He said to him, ‘What is written in the law? What do you read there?’

He answered, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbour as yourself.’

And he said to him, ‘You have given the right answer; do this, and you will live.’

But wanting to justify himself, he asked Jesus, ‘And who is my neighbour?</i>

"Wanting to justify himeself--" in other words, looking for an out; looking for an easy rule of thumb; a clear, bright line between someone he must love and someone it would be okay to ignore.  Jesus then tells the story of the Samaritan.  You can read it at the link above but basically, a nice, presumeably Jewish man falls among bandits while travelling and is left by them for dead.  Three people walk by and see him there.  Two are fine upstanding, good, holy men.  They make excuses not to stop and pass on their way.  The third is a Samaritan--someone belonging to a group of people related to the fine upstanding Jews of Jesus's time, but spurned by them for supposedly abandoning the proper way and mixing with other, non-Jews.  Samaritans weren't Gentiles and they weren't Jews.  The Jews of Jesus's crowd thought they were the worst sort of people because they <i>ought</i> to be good Jews but failed.

So the man on the road and the Samaritan were pretty much supposed to depise each other.  Like Palestinians and Israelis; like the KKK and the SCLC; like Newt Gingrich and Hillary Clinton.  Furthermore, Jesus's audience is on one particular side of this split--the anti-Samaritan side. The "Good Samaritan" is called "good" specifically because Samaritans are generally presumed bad.  He's supposed to be unusual for a Samaritan.

After the story ends, Jesus asks his questioner, "who acted as a neighbor to the man on the road?"  The Samaritan of course.

And there is the answer to "who is my neighbor?"  The answer is, "whoever needs your help, perhaps most especially if that person hates you and is your sworn enemy and/or vice-versa."

As far as I'm concerned, this story pretty much speaks for itself, as Jesus intended it to do.  But if you understand Jesus as a reformer of the religion into which he was born (one among many at a time of great upheaval, multiple reforms, branchings and splittings) is that Jesus is also speaking into that context.  Here is where I think this passage is related to the one I wrote about last Sunday--the one I told you came from a longer piece addressing  (and hoping but failing to prevent) a schism in the early Church.  The point Jesus is making is that stupid stuff that divides people in deathly rivalries has nothing at all to do with what he calls "the Kingdom of Heaven."  Who the heck cares whether someone picks wheat and eats it on the Sabbath, even without ritually cleansing their hands?  Who, especially, cares if someone keeps the Sabbath perfectly but leaves a fellow human being dying on the side of the road?

The point is that there is not "justification" for leaving anyone out of the category "neighbor."  Everyone born under the sun counts.  Everyone.  Including the person you are absolutely certain doesn't count.  In fact, that person is at the top of the list.  <a href="http://twinklelittlestar.typepad.com/letter/2007/12/two-questions-u.html">See Lisa on a eerily connected topic)</a>

This is another "hard teaching."  How do I accept that the most forgotten, most thrown-away people are my neighbors, given to me by God to love as I love myself?  How well do I love myself when I shut down the compassion that would let me love them?

I do see this passage as a call to love ourselves.  But loving myself is not the same thing as giving myself an easy out.

These days in particular, I am trying to learn to love myself as much as I love my children.  Because my love for my children is ultimately only as perfect or as flawed as my love for myself.  I can't feel real compassion for them when I am afraid to open my selfup to the feelings I would teach them to embrace.  On a simpler scale, I can't patiently prepare their meals when I'm have a moody blood sugar drop myself (I wish I could get this once and for all, it seems I have to remind myself to eat every day!).

I don't think these various personal reforms (learning to love myself, learning to love my children, learning to love the unlikliest of my neighbors) are tiered or prioritized.  In other words, I don't have to be perfect at one before I can move on to the next.  That would be a great excuse, wouldn't it?  "Sorry, neighbor, I'm too busy learning to properly love myself, I'll get to you when I've mastered that!"

In fact, loving--through action, however grudgingly offered--my neighbors (whether friendly ones like my kids or less friendly ones like the telemarketers who call at 8 pm on week nights) is an exercise of my love muscles that ultimately helps me love myself better, too.  I can practice on anyone, any time.  I'm not saying I do this well, or at all half the time.  But if I remember that encounters with my neighbors are "love exercises" that will eventually benefit me, I tend to make it through the day with a better attitude.

Keeping in mind last week's passage, that "God is love" well, wow.  Added to the lessons of this passage, I start to think that God only has a fighting chance of having any effect on this world when we offer God to one another through the practice of love, whether we always "feel" it, or not.

I'm not talking about martyrdom, here!  If you are thinking that's what I mean, please return to the bit above about cooking for others when your blood sugar is dropping.  Martyrdom is rarely love, it's usually a selfish attempt to make oneself the center of attention.  If you're just a pretty happy, well-fed person yourself, you don't get to be the big dramatic, suffering star of the show.  There's time and energy to put your love into practice.

It seems more to me like a balancing act that is in constant motion and needing constant adjustment.  Not easy.  But when I think "love my neighbor as myself" it helps me adjust the balance.  Maybe I think "geez, poor neighbor!" and I know I need to attend to myself.  Maybe I think "geez, I guess I could forego the new dress I have nowhere to wear anyway and buy a bag of groceries for the food drive."  The passage helps me balance.

And when I'm absolutely sure that someone is definitely, certainly, could not possibly be my neighbor...that's when the little bell in my head goes "ding!ding!ding!" and I have something to chew on for a while.

So tell me, who is <i>your</i> neighbor?

Advent 1

1 John 4:7-21

1, 2 and 3 John got me in trouble once. In a New Testament class at seminary, we had a long lecture about these texts and their portrayal of a big fight within the early Church about what was real Christianity and what was heresy and the rift it caused. When the time came to raise our hands and question the lecturer, I raised mine, and instead of continuing the theme of my classmates (and professors) of how important it is to draw bright lines between orthodoxy and heterodoxy, I said "maybe the whole thing is an example of what not to do, seeing as it all fell apart in the end. Perhaps we should take this as a lesson and refrain from worrying about who's in and who's out."

To get the full effect of what happened next, I need to tell you that it was a required 101-type course and 200 people were in the class with me. I need to further mention that I came in late, couldn't find a seat and had settled in a window sill.

200 heads turned at once and scowled at me while 200 voices murmured in low, disapproving tones.

Fun.

But all that aside, I do love this first lesson of the story (whether the original audience learned the lesson or not). When in doubt about nearly anything, I remind myself that God is love:

Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God; everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love...

No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us...

You can see the entire passage by clicking my link above, but the ellipses cover what is no doubt key to the writer, that the gift of Jesus Christ is proof of God's love. Yet, I don't think that one must believe in Jesus Christ to be called out by this passage. Even in the passage, Jesus is an example of God's love, not the sole substance of it.

In fact, the passage here and further on insists that our only real touchstone for the love of God is each other. And that is the part that strikes me as most important:

Those who say, ‘I love God’, and hate their brothers or sisters, are liars; for those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have seen, cannot love God whom they have not seen. The commandment we have from him is this: those who love God must love their brothers and sisters also.

"Liars" is pretty strong language to use for people who claim to love God and "hate" their fellow human beings. Who among us doesn't sometimes feel tempted to hate someone? Ouch. Just seeing GW Bush's face on the screen makes me want to throw a brick through my t.v. And to do it makes a liar of me if I claim to love God? Tricky. Pesky. "A hard teaching" one of Jesus's lunk-headed disciples might say. But there it is.

I am cutting and pasting this poor text to death, because really this bit comes between the two passages above, but I wanted to talk about it last because it is another very helpful thing for me to remember when I am uncertain about the right or the wrong of any given decision in life:

God is love, and those who abide in love abide in God, and God abides in them...

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because he first loved us.

"There is no fear in love." So there is no fear in God. Fear it seems is love's opposite, God's opposite. Not hate so much as fear. After all what is hate but fear? To have fear is perhaps not always uncalled-for. But I gather from this passage that we will find God within the act of moving through and past our fear, we will find courage in God. And I also gather from this passage that to willfully cause fear in others, to terrorize or threaten them is evil.

This is useful to me because many times I fear doing the right thing. Many times, our society tells us that there is something we all ought to get together and fear and perhaps gang up on. Some of the worst evil seems to occur when we heed that fear, eventually letting it lead people to turn around and terrorize those they fear.

So we are called to love one another because this is the only way we can begin to know God. We are called to be courageous in the face of fear, knowing that the love of God will lead us to good things, even when following its call is scary.

Today we are headed to Chicago to spend some time with Mama Fern. We do this from time to time and I will tell you that it can be scary. Not "ohmygodwhatifshestealsthebaby"-scary, but getting to know someone across gulfs and gulfs of difference-scary. And yet we feel quite strongly that it couldn't be more the right thing to continue cultivating and nurturing this relationship.

Wish us well.

A Big-Gay-Christian Post for the New Year

Blog-reader, Rosemary sent me a lengthy email asking me to address sexuality and Christianity--specifically my sexuality and my Christianity. Here is a key excerpt from her query:

How do you reconcile being gay and being a Christian? I know you've talked about this some on your blog, but....when so much that is in Christianity (as it is currently being expressed by some religious people) seems to be focused on being anti-gay, how do you reconcile that community worship act with knowing that many who would call Jesus savior do not believe you should exist, and should definitely not be there?

They key word that stands out for me in the question is "reconcile." I realize that my experience may be fairly unusual (or perhaps people like me just aren't compelled to talk a lot about this) but I have never felt the need to "reconcile" my queerness with my Christianity. As far as I'm concerned, this is the wrong question.

The question should be, "how do anti-gay Christians 'reconcile' those two stances?" Because to me it is quite obvious that the message of the Gospel, the Holy Spirit revealed in the community and Church history is unambiguous that God doesn't give a flip about sexual orientation.

Coming out was a difficult thing for me, but the difficulty was never about religion or my faith. My church was 150% supportive of me (and I might add, my ex-husband, then a church staff member) through the entire experience. It never came into my mind that coming out would cause any change in my faith except that I needed it all the more to get through the parts that were hard. I doubled my volunteer dossier at church over the couple of years I was coming out, because church was the one place I had an untroubled feeling of ease and a sense that it really would eventually all be okay. I just wanted to stand within those walls, and be among those people every chance I got.

I am blessed that while growing up, I never heard anyone I trusted speak against homosexuality from a religious perspective (or any perspective, really). I grew up knowing that some people felt that way, but those people were never my people--and this in the context of attending my small, Southern Baptist church, a Catholic parochial school and then a Catholic girls' high school.

My family had a lot to do with it, I imagine. They made it clear that people of faith could all believe different things but ultimately, whether or not you're a good Christian is really between you and God and no human being can judge that relationship. This is absolutely pure, essential Baptist tradition at its best.

I know plenty of people not raised Baptist are probably scratching their heads right now, because aren't Baptists those loud people decrying all kinds of personal decisions on the part of others that are really none of their business, sexual orientation chief among them? Yes, and no. Ironically, due to their ecclectic, catholic nature, Baptists are a splintery lot. (It's so fun to call Baptists catholic.) One of the biggest rifts in the Baptist tradition has occurred over my lifetime, leaving some in the very un-Baptist position of spending all kinds of time cooking up behavioral requirements for the salvation (or damnation--because isn't that so much more fun?) of others.

I am not a Baptist anymore (though sometimes I say my genotype is Baptist and my phenotype is Episcopalian), but I do have my opinion on who the "real" Baptists are: My folks and their pastor; my BFF's parents who spent 40 years in the mission field in Japan teaching in a university, doing family counselling and other non-conversion-type jobs; Bill Moyers; Jimmy Carter.

Anyway, this is a digression and yet it's a key to why I feel so strongly that the burden of proof is on those who would judge "gay" as automatically outside Christianity.

Another huge key is my own high level of biblical literacy. People who say the Bible is "against" homosexuality are not biblical scholars of any depth. I have read the Bible in its entirety about 3 times, studied it in original languages and studied many traditions of biblical interpretation (and personally applied more than one of them). Here are some of my findings: A) "homosexuality" in its contemporary definition isn't in the Bible at all. B) when same-sex sexual behavior is condemned in the Bible (in very few places) it is condemend side-by-side with loads of other things we pay no attention to at all in contemporary society--even the most literalist fundamentalist doesn't condemn mules, organic farming practices or polyester/cotton blends (I myself condemn them, but not on biblical grounds)--and it is often side-by-side with endorcements of slavery, plural marraige and/or concubinage, incest and other things we abhor today. C) There are positive representations in the Bible of same-sex commitments that might have included sexuality or might not have, but it is clear in the text that this wouldn't be a problem in and of itself.*

As for the part of Rosemary's question that alludes to people in the Church who "think [I] should not be there" I have to tell you those people are loud, but few and far between (well, maybe not in Texas). Anyway in my own small-c church, there is nary a one who'll say any such thing out loud. The reigning attitude is embrace of all, encompassing all kinds of difference. The larger-C Episcopal Church has officially made this their dominant position since 1976 (I think the coolest part is the call to "equal protection o fthe laws."). As for the Church Universal, well, I direct you to John Boswell. Too much to get into here.

So for those who do think I shouldn't be there? I pray for them to feel more welcome in the Church, forgiven and blessed themselves. I can only see their attitude as one of insecurity. I have spent my life in one church or another--or more than one at a time--and I have a total sense of entitlement to it. The Church is mine. Christianity is mine. You're going to have to do a lot better than throw bad prooftexts my way to run me out.

Evenagelicals sometimes refer to something they call the kerygma. What they tend to mean by it is the stuff in the Bible that is core to its overall message. Of course, what the "real" kerygma is, is somewhat subjective. There isn't really just one. And yet, a biblical scholar can certainly look at the text for patterns and themes that manage to recur in spite of the thousands of years spanned by the writings of the Bible.**

What I've decided to do for each Sunday in Advent is to give ya'll four of the texts in the Bible that are key to my own sense of the kerygma. What I mean by "key to my own sense" is not "key to the Church of Lilysea," but what I regard through scholarship and experience as key to the Church. These will have come to me over time, through many other people and communities of faith. Four is not the grand total, so I'm just going to pick four favorites that arise throughout the month and spark me to write.

How does that sound, Jody?

_____________________________


* For an easy read that exegetes all of these texts in depth, see Tom Horner's lovely little book, Jonathon Loved David. Walter Wink also has a terrific essay on the Bible and sexuality in his edited collection, Homosexuality and Christian Faith: a Question of Conscience for the Churches.

**Just a nod here to the important difference between Christian biblical scholars and Jewish scripture scholars. Many (but not all, and not me!) Christian biblical scholars read the Hebrew Scriptures (which they call the Old Testament) through a lens of Christianity, rendering the kerygma to be quite christocentric. Again, not me.

Theology, Liturgy, Adoption...

Just because I'm posting every day doesn't mean I'm going to have a snappy title every day. That's just too much to ask.

Beth asks about: "Any plans you have for Selina's baptism, or for marking her adoption liturgically. And what theological thoughts are bouncing around your head in relation to the above."

Today is the second anniversary of Nat's baptism (Church-calendar-wise) and a good day to talk about all things liturgical.

We are going to baptize Selina on Easter Sunday next year. We couldn't get it together before then. She'll be about the same age Nat was at her baptism and so can probably wear the beautiful gown my mother made for Nat.

My theological thoughts on marking adoption got some exercise last April when I worked on a subcommittee of the Episcopal standing committee on liturgy and music to develop a proposal for a supplement to the Book of Common Prayer for all aspects of adoption. I personally worked mostly on something called a "theological rationale" for the supplement itself. In other words, why does adoption need its own liturgical identity? Here is the concluding paragraph of the document I wrote then:

We believe that the special nature of adoption and its strong presence in scripture, theological traditions and human practice calls for special liturgical recognition by the Church. In the United States, adoption was once a practice most often veiled in secret, hidden as if something to be ashamed of. As adoption practice shifts and changes, as adoption becomes more acknowledged by the broader U.S. culture, the Church can take a leadership role in celebrating with those who rejoice, comforting those who mourn and calling for justice within the practice of adoption. The Church can offer a unique witness to the special place of adoption within human family forms. It can offer those whose own immediate families are not involved in adoption a role in supporting and sustaining families who are.

I think that adoption can often be oversimplified in a Christian context. Some of the most offensive things people say and do in adoption flow from supposed claims to Christianity. People claim to "rescue" "heathen" children and "christianize" them in adoption. People claim that God planned their adoptions, even putting babies "in the wrong mommy's tummy" (a story I heard related by a researcher at the adoption conference) for them to later go find and adopt, etc. But as one first mother put it at the conference, "that's a cruel and malicious god who 'willed' me to lose my baby." Too often, the Church forgets those who are silent parties to adoption, especially first parents when it thoughtlessly celebrates adoption as the way we become God's children.

And yet I also think that the message of the Gospel is that your neighbor is the last person you expect her to be, that family is made across the unlikeliest lines and that hope and healing spring from death and loss. I think the spirit of adoption is at the heart of the Gospel and the Gospel can be at the heart of adoption when those hurting and losing are not forgotten, but are enfolded into the family in whatever way is possible under the circumstances of the specific adoption. (Maybe this is an open adoption, maybe it is an adoption in which biological families unknown are remembered and honored in rituals or prayers.) I also think that the Church--mine especially--has a leadership role to take in calling for adoption reform, pushing for openness in adoption and forgiveness and healing for broken families.

As of right now, there is a little prayer to bless an adoption in the BCP and we did it right before Nat's baptism. We'll do it again at Selina's because if anything comes of my committee work it won't be for a while. If and when anything does come of it, though, we'll return to the church and do something more. I actually look forward to that possibility and to the fact that the girls will be older and maybe at least Nat will be old enough to understand and add her input to whatever we do. As long as I'm fantasizing, I'll add both Nat and Selina's mothers to the mix and hope that someday they will be able to go and have their familial relationships to us consecrated in a community of faith.

Church Girl

Church has been a bit hit-or-miss this summer, as we've been traveling on so many weekends. The last time Nat and I made it to church was about 3 weeks ago. After that Sunday, I decided to stop trying to put her in the child care room.

I never put her in the child care room until this spring. I figured that now she was old enough to be restless and need to play, but not old enough to "force" to sit still and quiet. So I started dropping her in child care, heading to the service alone, then picking her up before communion and bringing her into church for the end of the service.

She hated child care. It isn't that she is overly clingy in general or that she doesn't like to play with other kids and adults. But the way it works at our church, is parents take turns watching the kids. So there wasn't a consistent adult she could schmooze and get used to. The kids aren't completely consistent from week-to-week either, so it felt to her like being dumped into a crowd of strangers every week.

The last time (and third or fourth time we'd tried it) I picked her up she was sorrowfully tear-streaked and melodramatically relieved to see me. She pointed at the door, "church!" she demanded, then, to the room of kids, "bye!" So off we went back to the service, where she sat happily on my lap, listened to the singing with glee, waved and fluttered her eyelashes at everyone walking past for communion (we always sit up front for this very purpose) and generally had a great time at coffee hour, nibbling treats she never gets at home and asking everyone his or her name.

When we got home, Cole asked her how church went. "Playroom! Children! I cried! Mama Shannon!" then, raising her hands over her head to clap happily, she shifted the mood of her story, "Downstairs church! Yea!!!! Church! Singing! Crackers!"

Cole looked at me, and interpreted perfectly, "she cried in the playroom but really enjoyed church, huh?"

Well, why fight it?

So she sat with me all the way through the service today and did very well. I expected we'd just go out for a little walk during the sermon, but instead, she curled up in my lap and lay her head down for a little rest. When all the music and action started up again, she danced and flirted silently with some little girls across the room and at one point, during the prayers, I whispered Cole's name and Nat shouted "Cole Mom!"

After what probably amounted to an entire apple's worth of apple slices and lots of socializing with other kids and adults at coffee hour, we headed home.

Nat rushed into the house to find Cole. "Cole-mom!" she announced "I missed you at church!"

Raise up a Child

Last week, MotherTalk hosted a blogging book tour for Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Caring, Ethical Kids without Religion.

This week, they've posed some questions for all bloggers about religion and parenting and I decided to run with that and get back in my blog groove.

I haven't read the book, so I can't comment on it one way or another, except to say that I plan to read it, as it sounds interesting. But having been asked by the mavens of MotherTalk to discuss how religion does or doesn't impact my parenting, I will start by saying that our family is an "interfaith" family.

Cole is an avowed atheist, who refuses to cop to belief in anything but that I am her "lucky charm." Sometimes,s he makes vague references to "the forces of the universe" but that's as far as she'll go.

I am a lifelong, practicing Christian of complex and varied expereince. Raised "moderate" Southern Baptist while attending 12 years of Catholic school, becoming an Anglican at Pusey House in Oxford (a very strange place indeed) during a junior-year-abroad from my one-time (but no longer officially) Baptist college, attending Presbyterian seminary, then working for Muslims for a couple of years, all while having close friends who range from Berkley New Age to Reconstructivist Jewish to Jehovah's Witness, I have been around the religious block a few times. Most of my experience has been good, and when Cole and I decided to talk kids, I said that raising them Episcopalian was nonnegotiable for me. Cole has always been 100% supportive of that, as long as I don't require her to join us. And yet, she voluntarily stood with me at Nat's Baptism, mumbling her way through bits of the baptismal vows she could affirm and going silent on the rest of it.

It makes me kind of sad that a book about raising ethical kids without religion has to invoke religion at all (ie: "without relgion"). I don't think religion and ethical life have any necessary connection to each other whatever. I understand the ubiquity of language (yea, entire epistemologies) claiming otherwise, so I get why the book has to phrase it that way, I just think it's a shame.

Religious people can be "caring and ethical" as can non-religious people. Religious people can be evil snakes, as can non-religious people. The way Cole and I make an Atheist-Christian marriage work is by realizing that our family values, ethics, morals, political convictions and compassion for the world are almost identical, regardless of how we arrive at them. And that is also why I don't think our daughter will ever be "confused" by our differing approaches.

Given the mottled religious history I tow around myself, I have no problem with bestowing something similarly complex upon my daughter. In fact, I prize the opportunity to do so. I think having multiple exposures to multiple traditions and people claiming them is a way to develop spiritual and intellectual maturity as well as appreciation for and compassion for those who are different from ourselves. So I look forward to her questions when she wants to know why I go to church and Cole-mom doesn't, or why I say bedtime prayers with her and Cole-mom doesn't.

But I also believe that being fully immersed in one particular tradition you can claim as your own is valuable. Right now, I plan to drag her to church with me more or less as needed, though hopefully she'll come willingly most of the time. I don't think it hurts a kid to just understand that "this is what we do in our family" and then let them go their way in early adulthood and make of it what they will. Many parents disagree with that and don't believe in "making" their kids go to church, but given the centrality of church in my life--not just as a faith/belief community (in fact, I share little "faith" or "belief" with most people at my church anyway)--but as a community of tradition and friendship and chosen extended family, I believe being part of it is good for her, just like eating healthy food is good for her and I'd make her do it even if she prefered ice cream for supper.

How this idea will figure into her someday wanting to try it Cole's way remains to be seen. I may have to compromise. And that will be a worthwhile challenge too.

What does your family do when it comes to religion? When it comes to passing on the family's ethics?

Looking for Scripture...

that speaks especially to the sorrow of a first mother's loss of her child.

Ideas?

(Right now, I am using the story of Moses' mother putting him on the river as an example of a mother in a desperate situation finding a way to save her baby. But I'm looking for something that speaks more directly of the emotion of this crisis.)

Thank you in advance for your suggestions!

Stop Gap

From early Monday morning to late Thursday night I was away from Nat, which is at least twice as long as any time I've been away from her in the past. I gather she missed me--we did chat a bit on the phone mostly to the tune of me trying to convince her to speak aloud while others reported she was smiling at my voice. I learned on Day Two that if I told her I loved her, she would say "I loff you too" which was all I really needed to hear.

Apparently, Uncle David morphed into Martha Stewart while I was away, cooking elaborate meals for Cole upon her return from work every evening, keeping Nat smartly dressed and baking cookies.

When I got home last night, Nat was already in bed, so I didn't wake her. This morning, when she saw me, she did a little happy dance, clapping her hands above her head and cheering "Ma Sana! Ma Sana!" ("Mama Shannon! Mama Shannon!). She was glued to me all day, but it was pretty mutual. Cole and I took her to the park this afternoon and thence to the Thai place near the park where we all ate various forms of pad and Nat drank pineapple juice.

I feel ever so welcomed home.

Where was I away so long, you ask?

And what was I doing, you further inquire?

I was in bright, sunny, calmly breezy, not-yet-muggy Orlando with a fabulous group of people--among them a key member of frog's village--in order to begin to plan out a supplement to the Episcopal prayer book that includes prayers and rituals for all sorts and types and kinds of situations that arise in every aspect of adoption--a daunting task, needless to say.

We aren't finished yet. I have lots of homework to do. Not that I need any more, but let's say you were looking for such a device in your faith community: what would you want to see in it?

Aside from meeting 8ish hours a day while in Florida, I had the unparalleled opportunity to play mini golf with an elder from Kivalina, Alaska. It was the first time she had ever played any type of golf. Along with trees, they don't have golf where she lives. At one point, I considered teaching her the proper way to hold a putter--something I know because my father, the avid golfer, taught me when I was three or so--but then I realized that she was about four strokes under par and I was about eight over, so I might at the very least leave her alone, if not ask her for advice. I left it alone. We were sort of keeping score until we realized that, having started at the fifth hole (there were five teams worth of mini golfers in our group), we had been scoring as if we'd started at the first. So we gave it up.

And now I am feeling sooooooooo very much better than I was feeling last week. Did I mention to you that last Saturday, I woke up with a fever and didn't get out of bed all day? I didn't? Last Saturday, I woke up with a fever that persisted all day and I slept all day. Sunday, I was instantly better. No fever, no tired. Just fine. Cole thinks it was psychosomatic in that I was emotionally and physically exhausted and I never would have spent a day in bed unless I had a fever so by god, my brain manufactured me one. She didn't grudge me a minute of it, mind you. She took care of Nat and brought me water all day.

I'm glad it was "all in my head," because I was able to get up Monday and make it to Florida to eat wonderful food and talk adoption theology and play mini golf for four days with a bunch of far-flung Episcopalians. It was pure heaven. Really. I'm weird like that.

And, oh, you know how I got the opportunity to do this? Because I blog. Even weirder. So thank you frog, for hooking me up!

Another Good Friday, Another Crucifixion

Whenever Good Friday rolls around, I can't help but think of the continuing crucifixions all over the world, every day, seemingly without end. It seems like a good day to tell you about something Nancy tipped me off about earlier this week.

I first learned about the so-called "Ex-Gay" movement when I was a seminary student. My then-husband and I were the coordinators of the seminary's queer student organization (Oh, the irony!). We were the leaders of the group for several reasons:

1. We were "openly" married and straight (um, at the time we thought so, anyway).
2. We were not members of the denomination that sponsored the seminary, so its politics didn't really affect us. (Our own denomination, by and large has no problems with queers at all levels of Church involvement.)
3. Neither of us were planning to be ordained at that time so our rabble-rousing would not have any effects on our career prospects as it might for students who wanted to be ordained in the seminary's sponsoring denomination. At that time (and this continues to be true in that denomination), out queers who didn't vow celibacy could not "be hired for a position requiring ordination." Catch-22, because in that denomination, you have to get the job before they'll ordain you.

In short, the real queers (irony again) on campus were all closeted but one of our friends. Later, his boyfriend gave up his dream of ordained ministry and came out too. So there were two gay boys on campus and a freaky straight couple leading this group.

One of the things we did a lot of was big public education opportunities. We sponsored the lovely and talented Janie Spahr to lead a few days of workshops and discussions. We put together liturgies and held prayer services for justice and healing for people hurt by homophobia. We screened films and had discussions.

One film we found was called "Escape from Exodus." I tried to find a link, but it doesn't seem to exist anymore, which is too bad. It was an excellent documentary about how two ex-gay "ministry" leaders recovered from the lies in their life, fell in love with each other and dedicated their futures to helping people heal from the spiritual, psychic, emotional and often physical* damage done to them by "ex-gay" programs.

Ever since learning that these programs existed, I've kept an eye out for their risings and fallings. They seem to be mostly in decline, but where they continue, they continue to do vicious violence to people. Comical as they sometimes seem--one strategy they use is to get beauticians to give makeovers to lesbians so they will see that they really are pretty and can catch a man if they just "make an effort"--what they do is prey on the internalized homophobia of people who want to live lives of faith. As a lesbian Christian who has never in my life been told by a spiritual leader--ordained, lay or otherwise--that it is wrong to be gay, this breaks my heart in a million pieces. It just doesn't have to be.

An ex-girlfriend of mine once asked me, as a "religion expert" why I thought she was queer. I told her "because eons ago, when God came up with the idea for you, She said to Herself 'I know! I'll make her a lesbian! That'll be terrific!'" and that's what I believe. I believe that my life is ideally an unfolding of becoming more and more like the person God had in mind when She decided to make me. And coming out was/is a part of that.

If you struggle with these issues, know someone who struggles with them or just want to learn more, I introduce BeyondExGay.Com, a new online community and educational site for those "recovering" from ex-gay experiences. Its founders, together with Soulforce are also sponsoring a "thoughtful response" to the annual Exodus International (ex-gay organization) conference in July at UC-Irvine. If you are in the area, consider supporting them. You can learn more at both the Soulforce website and BeyondExGay.Com.




* No lie. The film documented people who had mutilated their genitals with acid, knives and bleach at the recommendation that they "cut it off" if it "offended" them.

Finally! Part Three of Three: In Which I Get into All Manner of Trouble with You

Part One Now with update!
Part Two

Occasionally the question arises in the adoption subculture of the blogosphere, whether adoption would exist in a “perfect world.” Though setting out guidelines for perfection is a daunting task, here’s my stab at answering that question. Here’s my stab at answering my own question about what our families might look like if we lived according to community values rather than market values:

I realized why the “no adoption in a perfect world” idea bugged me when I read Jacqueline Stevens’s article, “Methods of Adoption: Eliminating Genetic Privilege” in Adoption Matters: Philosophical and Feminist Essays. What was bothering me was the inherent devaluing of non-biological connections between people that the no-adoption idea presumes. The presumption that family ties made between people without blood ties are less “perfect” than blood ties goes very much against the grain of queer family values in which non-biological ties are often as important or even more important than biological ones. It goes, even, against the idea of marriage as a bond that makes two non-kin people “one flesh” as has been such an important idea to so many cultures, societies and legal structures throughout the world and throughout history. And if you say “but people choose each other in marriage, which isn’t true in adoption” Stevens, by my reading, would say, well neither do babies choose their biological parents. Adoption is not uniquely a situation in which a baby has no choice about the decisions made on its behalf by adults. That is pretty much a baby’s lot in life, no matter who is doing the decision making.

Following Stevens, then, in my perfect world, not only would adoption exist, everybody would be adopted. This is the framework Stevens lays out in her essay. Let me quote at length her proposals (which, she explains must all be taken together as a whole and cannot be considered in isolation from each other):

1. The government should provide health services to everyone, including reproductive health services.

2. The government should make child-care services available to all parents.

3. Every child has one mother, the person who gave birth to him or her.

4. Every child shall have one or more parents. For purposes of legal custody, a parent is someone, including a mother, who adopts a child alone, or in a group of two or more.

5. The adoption is valid until the child is twenty-one years of age.

6. The mother is responsible for finding one or more parents to raise her child within three months of birth. She fulfills this responsibility either by (a) signing an enforceable contract with the state acknowledging that she is adopting the child herself; or (b) by forming a larger group to legally adopt the child; or (c) by finding another adult group that will sign this contract; or (d) by requesting that an officially sanctioned adoption agency perform these activities. No money other than incidental fees can be exchanged for the purpose of executing adoption contracts.

7. All adoption contracts will require minimum adult commitments to child care.

8. Marriage is a purely private activity, receiving no recognition as a legal status by any government agency. (pp 89-90)

In these guidelines, Stevens gives mothers—meaning women who give birth—unique power to decide who will parent the children born to them. She does this not on a genetic basis, but on basis of the labor the mother has gone through (and by “labor” she doesn’t mean childbirth exclusively, she means the bearing of children throughout gestation). So, mothers can choose to parent their children, to parent them with others, or to relinquish them to others to parent. Mothers alone make this decision. Agencies do not. The state does not. Notably, genetic fathers do not, as they have done no labor, according to Stevens’s definition. In fact, the term “father” has no significance in Stevens’s model. If a mother chooses, her baby’s genetic father can be a parent if he is willing to sign the adoption contract requiring real labor from him for the child’s care. Or the mother can choose another man, men, woman, women or combination to parent her child with her, or instead of her.

So mothers are not necessarily parents and (female) parents are not necessarily mothers. Instead, adults choose to parent, which automatically means they choose to take legal responsibility to care for the children in their custody.

In order to even propose such an idea, notice that Stevens has to provide everyone with equal access to reliable health care and childcare. And notice how the importance of marriage recedes entirely, for purposes of legal privilege. The idea is that once we have basic needs met, based on humane, community values, we can freely choose to partner with each other, choose to bear and/or to parent children (or not) without the sometimes violent pressures of a market-based value system such as we have now.

Stevens’s system doesn’t mention reproductive technology except to specifically de-privilege genetic relationships, taking any claim to a child born of donor gametes away from the donors and maintaining the sole rights of the (birth) mother. So I have to think that “donor” gamete-made embryos wouldn’t be off-limits for reasons of revering genetic ties. But in a world in which genetics are no longer the imagined center of human identity as they are now—a world in which the chosen and performed labor of relationships is shifted to the center—I have to doubt that there would remain much of a “market” for such embryos. Perhaps “embryo banks” would exist, but given Stevens’s restrictions on any but incidental fees for adoption, I don’t think profiteering on embryos would have a place either. I imagine in such a world, embryos might well be available for similar incidental fees, and “donors” would truly donate rather than euphemistically sell their genetic material.

I like Stevens's proposal. I like it because I agree with its logic that genetic connections between people are just happenstance, and not of real significance. This doesn’t mean that I don’t recognize the imaginary power genetic connections hold for some (many) people. I know, for example, that my daughter might one day want to look up any number of genetic relatives whom we know little about today, and that’s just fine by me. I intend to support her fully should she ever feel the desire. People spend time and money tracing their genealogies (or selected genealogies, as the case may be, since we all have infinite family tree roots to choose from). In no way am I saying my daughter’s first mother is unimportant. To the contrary, by endorsing Stevens's ideas, I’d be allowing that her first mother is her only mother, however many other parents she may have, whatever she may call them. And since we did not come by the parentage of Nat through the human value system Stevens insists be taken as a whole with her other proposals, our adoption is not an example of adoption in the “perfect world.” Far from it.

But I do think that Stevens has given us another way to think adoption. Not as a second-best, even third-best, unfortunate side-effect of one tragedy or another, but as a natural—at least as natural as genes—trait of human community. We all adopt in one way or another, and in one way or another, we are all adopted—even if it is by our biological parents, who freely chose to parent us, rather than not to. Recognizing the impulse and ability within us to love and commit to each other, without the imagined guarantees of our “own” blood or the engineered “best bets” a genetically selective embryo bank might offer, is worth our time and thought. Reforming our policies from a place that honors that impulse is worth our effort.

hmmm...It May Turn out to be Three Parts After All

The first part is here.

bek comments below that her blonde-haired, blue-eyed and well educated husband receives unsolicited requests for his sperm in the mail. It seems the sperm banks are going through alumni lists of high-profile schools and hunting for good DNA.

Another twist, eh? Did anyone else know that they do that? Because I read a great book about the history of the Nobel sperm bank and on sperm banking in general and the author never mentioned it, that I recall.

What I did remember, when bek posted her comment, however, was that years ago (before I turned 33), I looked into egg donation. I was a starving grad student with high rent and little income and whopping student loans, not to mention tuition and fees in the present. I figured I have no particular attachment to my eggs, at the time, I wasn't planning to ever have children--at least not through pregnancy--and it seemed okay to go through the medical process of egg retrieval, and what the heck, I might as well help someone have a baby (far secondary to the money in my mind). I went as far as to fill out a small online questionnaire and order the longer forms to begin the process.

The small questionnaire included educational informational and a photo if possible. When I got the package of detailed application material, it came under a cover letter congratulating me on my superior genes and telling me I was eligible for a higher than usual compensation fee.

Starving as I was, I couldn't stomach the eugenics overtones of being congratulated on my master-race-like qualities, and that was the end of my tentative plan to sell (which is what it really is) my eggs. I filled out the application though, because I wanted to know what they wanted to know. The agency I was looking at included an option to be in an open relationship with the families and children born from my eggs and I was glad to see that option. I never would have donated eggs without that option.

I want to pause here and tell you what I think about the eugenic thinking behind gamete banking (what I'll call "donation" to anonymous banks for monetary compensation, versus real donation, which might happen between known parties for no monetary compensation). First off, I know, I know, I know, that many, if not most people who avail themselves of sperm or eggs through banks are not thinking eugenically. Most are going to look simply for the absence of a terrible disease, or for traits similar to their partners', or for traits complimentary to theirs, or for a kind-hearted personal essay, or--as in the case of one single lesbian mom I know, who conceived before "yes donors" (available to be contacted later) were common--for traits that will help them track the "donor" down with a private detective's help in future years. (My friend chose someone with red hair, who graduated from a certain school in a certain year for this reason. She thought red hair would be rare in one year's class and thus easy to find if her son ever needed a bone marrow transplant or something.)

That said, the banks themselves sure do seem to assume that their clients are thinking eugenically. There is an emphasis on "purity" (one bank I looked at had a special "Scandinavian Program" and claimed it was about purity of the sperm. What kind of purity, I wonder?), looks, level of education, SAT scores, musical virtuosity, etc. And they charge more for the goods coming from people with higher levels of education or special artistic abilities. When you browse banks online you will have eugenic messages shouted at you from every corner of their websites.

And lets face it, they wouldn't act like that if at least some of their clients weren't thinking that way. And according to her interviewers, our antiheroine Ms. Ryan (of part one) certainly admits proudly to thinking that way: some gametes are more valuable than others.

I'm not a biologist like smarty-pants Trey, or a doctor or even someone with the greatest track record in science grades, but here's one thing I do know about eugenics: We just don't know enough about how genetics works to really know how to go about producing "better" people. And: variety=quality when it comes to gene pools. Generally speaking certain genes aren't "better" than others, blends of many genes produce the best people at the level of large populations, because it gives them more possible survival traits. Sickle Cell disease is bad. But Sickle Cell trait will protect you from malaria, which is key if you live in Africa. Nat carries Sickle Cell trait. She'll need some genetic counseling before she reproduces biologically. That is, she'll have to check with her partner (if he's a boy contributing sperm to the project) about whether he carries the trait too. But she will also be able to join the Peace Corps and be better equipped to travel in malaria-stricken countries than her non-Sickle Cell trait-carrying peers.

That's just one example. But my point (and The Genius Factory linked above makes this point quite well too) is that choosing a reproductive partner with certain traits really doesn't mean much beyond visible physical characteristics, and even with those, it's really a crap shoot, especially when it comes to recessive traits like blue eyes. The way I see it, there's no reason to assume that the "natural" processes of the reproductive lines leading to my daughter are any less genetically fit than ones I could hand-pick from a bank. In fact, given that my daughter's genetic lines are real-world tested and "naturally selected" (a la Darwin) they could be more fit.

But I don't really put much stock in what we have figured out about evolution or genetics, because it seems the more we learn, the more complex it all turns out to be.

And because I don't put much stock in it, I don't actually believe that when people want to make eugenic choices; when they want to produce a certain kind of child via gamete selection, that they actually can. So in my musings on the topic of reproductive technology ethics, I don't actually fear the creation of a master race. I don't think we have the first idea how to produce such a thing. Instead, it's the values behind the desire to produce a certain kind of child that concern me.

Last year, my oldest friend and I explored the possibility of my giving her an egg. My eggs are expired now, by egg bank standards, but by personal standards, they might be fine (I was 35 when we talked about this). I had promised her an egg back in our college days, when we learned about egg donation in yet another bioethics class and she told me her concerns about her remaining ovary, having lost one at the tender age of 16 to cysts. (We have since mused about the probable unnecessity of them taking her whole ovary at age sixteen, believe me!) She and I were both completely on board, but her partner wasn’t sure, so we dropped the plan.

I felt entirely, completely different about giving eggs to my friend than I did about selling them to the bank. It isn’t the technology of being able to mix and match our gametes and parent them outside their genetic “family” that bothers me one bit. As with most technology, reproductive technology can be used for good or bad or several shades of grey between them. For me, almost all ethical quandaries come down to relationship.

On abortion, for example:

Are you bonded to your two-week old embryo? Have you named it Isabelle and are you painting her nursery? It’s your “baby.”

Did you fall pregnant unexpectedly at the worst possible time and do you have no desire to gestate this unwelcome interloper? It’s just a clump of cells with human potential taking up space in your body, which you can dispose of as you need to.

I know lots of you disagree, but that’s how my ethics tend to settle, when all is said and done.

The problem is that we live in a society that places all but no value on relationship. We pay a lot of lip service to “community” but it’s hard to find one. I can’t stand the way the term “community gets thrown around to refer to any large group of people who share one trait but nothing else and don’t, by and large, know each other (eg: the “lesbian community;” the “African American community” the “blogging community”). I have a queer community, but I don’t share it with every lesbian in the United States. By my count, there are at least three of four African American communities in our tiny town. Every Black person here doesn’t fall under the same umbrella.

To me, a community is a smallish group of people who have frequent contact with each other and have explicitly or implicitly agreed to support each other in many aspects of life, over a long period of time. It’s a bit like a family. It’s a bit like a large, extended, chosen family. Any ethical quandaries that arise in a real community are going to be decided case-by-case in a way that takes into consideration not just the needs of one or two individuals, but the health of the community overall. Sometimes one or two individuals might sacrifice their desires or even some needs for the sake of the overall community. But in my notion of community, these sacrifices would be taken on willingly, not imposed from the outside.
It’s a tall order, but these community dynamics inform the way I try to make decisions in my own life. The complications of having many people’s welfare considered in major decisions make it difficult to draw up any hard and fast rules or opinions about the rightness or wrongness of any one act in isolation. And when it comes to decisions that don’t necessarily impact my own community, I think in terms of a larger circle that expands eventually to the health of the planet itself (which of course, folds back to the good of my community anyway, as we have yet to colonize space, try as we might).

So Ms. Ryan’s embryo bank doesn’t really fit into my ethical framework. Not because she’s creating lives in a lab, but because she is creating lives outside any particular community framework. Her gamete sources are far-flung and don’t know each other. She emphasizes that they are specifically not to be involved in any decisions concerning the offspring that comes of their “donations.” She prices them based on eugenic notions of quality and value. There are none but business relationships between any of the parties involved, because you cannot assign a dollar value to human relationships and as such, they undercut the strict capitalist framework of the process.

Yes, this is going to require a third post, because Nat is awake, and I haven’t come yet to the essay I want to discuss; the one by Jackie Stevens, in this book

Part One of Two Three and Counting

When I was a teenager, slouched uncomfortably in a wooden desk in my “Introduction to Bioethics” class in high school, the human genome had just been slated for mapping. IVF was still called “test-tube baby-making” and was mostly still theoretical. My fellow teenagers and I had heated discussions about the rightness or wrongness of “playing god” or the fate of left-over embryos or the ethics of engaging in high-tech eugenics to choose everything from an absence of serious disease to eye color.

I usually defended the position that whatever we could do was fine. New technologies just didn’t bother me at all. Eye-color choosing was obviously wrong, but we could easily maintain a bright line between that and more legitimate selectivity, right?

Ah the naivete of youth.

A couple of days ago, blog-reader Leslie sent me a link to a Slate article about Jennalee Ryan, a Texas woman who has started a business selling embryos manufactured from select gamete donors to couples who want to be parents. They aren’t leftover embryos from IVF, donated for the use of others and they aren’t donor egg and donor sperm. They’re custom embryos from custom gamete “donors” (who are richly compensated), premixed, healthy and ready to transfer. The idea, apparently, is to save “clients” the energy and expense of finding and paying donors directly and on paying a clinic to mix the elements and grow and bank the embryos for them.

On the one hand, it’s just the next logical step from browsing an online sperm or egg bank. Just the next step from IVF itself. On the other hand, this Ryan woman really comes off pretty unsympathetically when she says it is “control” (second only to the incredible profits she has already made in the “adoption advertising” business and stands to make selling embryos) which drives her. To read her interviews, you come away with the distinct impression that her number one concern is taking biological “parents” (or “donors” or “sellers” of gametes: choose your preference) out of the prenatal experience and out of the decision-making process about who will parent the child born of the process. And she is so obsessively preoccupied with the short-comings of adopted children (they may be drug-exposed, mentally ill, too old, not white, the wrong gender, or otherwise unacceptable to prospective parents) that one worries how her eldest child—an adopted son—must feel about his position in her heart vis-a-vis his five siblings, born to her biologically.

Ah yes, and of course, all her embryos are white. And likely to be blue-eyed blondes, judging by the sperm and eggs that spawned them. As Ryan claims, there’s a high demand for white babies.

I am hesitant to sit here and denounce folks who’d rather pay tens of thousands of dollars for a blue-eyed, blonde baby-to-be than adopt a child they have a hunch they wouldn’t love because he wasn’t a blue-eyed blonde. After all, the minute I start moralizing about someone’s boundaries of family, someone else will doubtless wag a finger in my direction for not foster-adopting a waiting child rather than adopting a healthy newborn. There’s always another step in some direction that’s just one step further than some one of us is willing to go. I’m happy to check my judgment of what people are or aren’t comfortable with if I can live unjudged for my own decisions too.

So rather than point fingers at the “clients” of this new business, or even at Ryan herself (loathsome as she seems), I’d like to zoom out a bit and look at things from a slightly wider angle.

Part of me is still somewhat persuaded by my slouching teenaged self, rolling her eyes at peers who seem merely squeamish about a new technological process rather than able to point to any real harm it might do that’s bad enough to cancel out the good of making someone a parent. But another, equally strong part of me is disgusted by the market-driven nature of Ryan’s business—and ART more generally—that allows only those who can afford it—who have the insurance coverage (plus the cash or credit to make up what insurance doesn’t cover), the flexibility in their careers, the access to a high-tech fertility clinic—to become parents.

But what else should we expect? This is capitalism. And for all the hand-wringing that follows upon a story like Ryan’s, or upon some couple’s decision to spend $60,000 hiring private adoption professionals to track them down a blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby, it seems there is never any hand-wringing about the moral and ethical framework that leads to these kinds of situations in the first place. No one ever questions the “bottom line” which is that in this culture we value any number of things above human dignity and human relationship. We value cash. We value a physical appearance that can be best cashed in on. We value power in the absence of any particular responsibility and we call it “individualism.”

In short:

“I have the right to any baby I can afford.”

“I have the right to make as much money as I can selling whatever (or whomever) I choose.”

And perhaps worst of all, “She doesn’t deserve her baby, she’s too poor to raise it.”

In the absence of a more human framework than capitalism, these are the obvious conclusions to be drawn when questions of reproduction outside the fertile, straight, white, middle-to-upper-class cul-de-sac are raised. There’s nothing particularly shocking about it. Hammering away criticism any one person falling into any one of these conclusions is pointless at best, a waste of time and energy at worst. We could be using our time and energy drawing up a different framework; another logic that refocuses the debate on something other than a desperate would-be parent or a victim of rapacious economic circumstances.

Jim Donald, one of the best preachers I’ve ever known said once in a sermon, “the opposite of poverty is not wealth.” And because he was speaking to a large group of upper-middle and upper class, white, Washington DC professionals, he repeated it slowly: “the opposite of poverty is not wealth.”

“The opposite of poverty is community.”

This is a distinctly non-capitalist claim and has radical potential when people believe it enough to live its logic. But much as folks in the U.S. love to repeat “it takes a village to raise a child” they don’t really believe it. They certainly don’t believe it enough to let a village raise their own children.

In the U.S. what we really believe is that it takes a gated community, a cul-de-sac, an electronic security system and a private school to raise a child. It might take a nanny or a housekeeper too, but those folks aren’t villagers by any stretch. Those people can be purchased for a price that justifies a complete lack of responsibility for their human vulnerability. No one really wants a village raising their child unless they can be the dictators of the village.

Under Jim Donald’s logic, more children are being raised in poverty than under capitalism’s logic. There are of course, the poor children who have no private schools or nannies—who might not even have enough food for the day—then there are those with wealth, but without any real community.

If we evaluated the ethics of our technological abilities according to community logic, rather than capitalism’s logic, what would our families look like?

to be continued

Update 12 February
Jennalee Ryan has emailed me. She is feeling misrepresented by the media. I told her to feel free to post her "side of the story" here in the comments. I don't know if she will choose to do so. Meanwhile, I'll correct one thing above. Her adopted child is her youngest, not oldest. My sources were wrong about that, according to Ryan.

Veni Spiritus Sancti

There are four High Holy Days in the Christian Church calendar (though all Christians don't follow the Church calendar, we Episcopalians do). They are (in order) Christmas, Easter, Pentecost and All Saint's Day.

It is well known by most who know me, that I am not fond of Christmas. At all. I cope my way through Christmas with a falsely cheerful smile plastered across my face and a sarcastic grumble in my heart. It's not pretty, but it's true.

Easter has been my favorite holiday all my life. Over the years though, capitalism has increasingly encroached upon my favorite holiday, rendering it all but a Pastel Christmas.

So this year, I've decided to change my favorite holiday to Pentecost. There is no Pentecost Bunny, no Pentecost costumes and trick-or-treat candy (a la All Saint's Day which follow's All Soul's Eve aka: Halloween) and there are certainly no Pentecost elves, reindeer, fake snow-in-a-can or big After Pentecost Sales.

Guess what? TODAY is Pentecost!

To celebrate, I actually dragged myself out of bed and to church for once. I came home to Cole, who decided to take the day off. We walked Nat to the park and worked with her on some of her more hesitant gross motor skills and then we took a nap while she napped, and went out for Italian together after we all woke up.

So happy Pentecost, which for me, is a day that puts things in perspective by reminding me that however bleak and scary things might look, anything can happen anytime. And as Jesus tells the disciples before Pentecost, we will never be left comfortless.

Now get to the mall! Only 364 shopping days until next year!



p.s. Here's a poem I wrote about Pentecost a couple/three or something years ago.

Holy Week

As I was driving to church this morning, for the first time in longer than I'd like to admit, I thought about the post I wrote last year on Palm Sunday and felt discouraged. I have not had much in the way of inspiration to share lately. And I wondered if I could come up with anything honest to say about Holy Week besides, "well, here it is again."

But then I got home to this little note in my inbox from a man named Jim about his relatively new blog called Straight, Not Narrow whose purpose is to spread the gospel of equality for all Christians, regardless of sexual orientation.

And there you have it. Inspiration.

One of the lovliest things about Christianity to me, is its incredible diversity. You can find just about as many ways of being Christian as you can people who will claim the name. (Anecdote: I was at a gay function in DC once, and this guy asked me if my necklaceCopticcross was "a symbol of Christianity." I told him it was. He said "oh, at first I thought maybe it was African." I explained to him that it in fact was African, and it represented the oldest sect of Christianity in the world. Christianity is indigenous to Africa, as it is to India, another little-known fact in the West.)

There are all kinds of Christians and in every single sect or denomination, there are glbt people. And a lucky number of them are in places that accept--even celebrate--them for who God made them to be. I am lucky like that, and so are the evangelical, charismatic folks at Jim's church.

In the political and cultural climate of the contemporary U.S., I often find it hard to use the word "Christian" in reference to myself without cringing a little. That name has been dragged right through the mud by right-wing, power-hungry, hypocritical bigots, to be plain. The control of the media by those same right-wing, power-hungry, hypocritical bigots has led to a common assumption by folks who aren't Christians that all Christians are...right-wing, power-hungry, hypocritical bigots, or at least their sympathizers or hapless victims. The diversity is entirely lost.

But the fact is there are plenty of Christians who don't support anything these people in power are claiming to do in the name of religion and/or some God who seems to hate almost everybody, rather than a God who is Love. And it's folks like Jim and his friends who remind me of that and keep me from throwing in the towel and giving the name over to people who would use it to feed their own hubris.

So thanks, Jim, and welcome to the blogosphere!

Too Tired

...to write my own post about this, but I wanted to add to the press. Please go over to mamamarta's, read and obey.

via media in an extremist world

I grew up in a "moderate" Southern Baptist Church. Moderate, at that time meant, not fundamentalist and rather flexible about letting people's personal faith decisions stay between them and God. Oh, and it meant women could be ordained there, and they were. My whole family on every side have been Southern Baptists for a long time, though one branch started out Mennonite about 100 years ago. Not all of them are of the moderate sort (most aren't in fact). Now that the Southern Baptists no longer really have any moderates, my parents are American Baptists which amounts to the same thing. (For those of you interested in American Church History the original split was over abolition versus slavery. Let's just say my parents finally got themselves on the right side of that one.)

I also went to Catholic school for 12 years. That was 8 years of parochial grade school made up mostly of Irish American Catholics (we got St. Patrick's day off because everybody's family had a float in the parade), then 9-12th grade in a very progressive girls' school run by the coolest liberation-theology-spouting, feminist hippie nuns anybody ever met. They taught us to change all the prayers and hymns around such that when it said "brothers," "men," "Father" (meaning God) or "He" (meaning same), it would come out "sisters," "people," "Mother" and "She."

Then I went to college and had my "I'm-not-religious-but-I'm-spiritual-maybe-I'm-a-Buddhist-I'll read-everything-Alan Watts-ever-wrote phase. Then, my junior year, I discovered the Anglican Communion in its absolute weirdest little corner--Pusey House Chapel in Oxford (UK--not Mississippi). The Puseyites are not moderate in the Southern Baptist sense. They are NOT into liberation theology and my "sister," "people," "Mother," "She"s rang out lonely in that teensy space with only eight others in attendance, but somehow, I knew it was the church for me. I think that's because of the community I found there and the odd toleration of me by people who knew that I was absolutely their worst nightmare come to life (what with the "sister"s et al.). It seemed to me that I could kneel when they knelt and sing when they sang and then dry the breakfast dishes they had washed after our post 8am weekday Mass toast and tea, and it didn't so much matter what anyone thought or believed. We were all in something together, even if we weren't sure exactly what. It was okay to leave that to God.

Upon my return to the States, I was disappointed to find less silent prayer spaces in Episcopal worship, but relieved to find more "She"s in the prayers and women in the pulpit and at the altar and queers not just welcomed but leading in every area of church business.

Anglicanism began as a way to reconcile Reformers with Roman Catholics in England in order to circumvent some of the bloodshed of the European Reformation. The idea was that it should look and feel Roman, but the content would remain each individual's business. There would be bishops, but their authority is largely moral or inspirational rather than dictatorial. In the late 20th century in my early 20's it was the perfect reconciliation of the Baptist idea of "priesthood of the believer" and incense, both of which had grown important to me in my weirdly paradoxical upbringing.

I have met a lot of former Baptists (and other low Protestants) and a lot of former Roman Catholics in Episcopal Churches over the years. Both find it a haven for the good parts of their traditions without some of the political nastiness those traditions have been through in recent years. After the Gene Robinson, Gay Bishop (that should SO totally be a new Fox Network reality show) bruhaha, a lot of Episcopalians fretted about alienating conservatives in the World-Wide Anglican Communion. Maybe the communion will indeed kick the North Americans out, but I doubt it. What frustrates me about that whole conversation is that it ignores the people who now feel okay NOT leaving the Church, the people who now feel welcome BACK to the Church, the people who are church shopping who will now CHOOSE the Episcopal Church when they see its witness through Gene's consecration.

And that's the spin I've decided to put on the sad, sad thing that happened to my (many, many) Roman friends yesterday. If you find that this is just the last straw, there's a via media wide enough for you.


*****************

Okay, I'll bite, but only to ask: With fans like "C" who needs trolls?

"You're welcome at my church" and "sorry for your sucky situation" are "below the belt???"

People: what the hell is up with them?

Rat Zinger

All I can say to my Roman Catholic friends is:

The Episcopal Church Welcomes You

Otherwise, sorry dudes. Really.

palm sunday

Nat went to church for the first time today. She went with me in the sling and slept through the singing of the entire passion--a good 20 minutes of plainsong, which she seemed to find perfectly soothing--the sermon, communion, getting blessed dans la sling, at the communion rail and lots of hymn-singing, including "Were You There?" which left the entire congregation, predictably, in tears.

Theologically, Palm Sunday is a bit of a heavy first visit to church, but liturgically it was just the way I wanted to introduce her to the concept. I promised her things would get lighter next week. But Palm Sunday is a tricky one. In the Episcopal Church, Palm Sunday starts off with the happy palm-waving business but quickly degenerates into lonely, unappreciated, seemingly meaningless martyrdom.

In my personal theological understanding (and in the theological understanding of plenty of people whose opinions on the subject are widely recognized to matter) Jesus didn't "die for my sins" as some kind of quid pro quo that God required as a blood payment for "His" bruised ego. In my understanding, Jesus was someone who spoke the truth to power (as they say) and as happens to so many truth-tellers on this mortal coil, he got nailed for it (pardon the insoucient pun). The story of the passion is not one of sicko sadism, sicko masochism or whatever it is that is up Mel Gibson's craw, but the story of the parent of dead Iraqi children killed as "collateral damage" in a meaningless war for oil. It's the story of Mama Rose who couldn't keep Nat just because she was poor. It's the story of Donald Rumsfeld, hiding out from the world court and washing his hands of his war crimes. It's a story that does not end in triumph and an end to death in any way that I can wrap my head around. It's a story, that however old it gets, keeps repeating, and repeating and repeating, and I see no end in sight.

Sometimes, I think I'd make a better Jew than Christian, because I have no sense of triumphalism about this story, as it seems Christians are supposed to. I realize that there's a resurrection story coming next week, but that won't put an end to this constant repetition of the passion, everywhere on the planet, at every moment of time as my little brain understands it. I understand the passion in a way I don't understand Easter. Easter is the tiniest spark of hope to me, not some sunburst of glorious light reflected on the fluffy clouds like it was portrayed in my evangelical upbringing.

So I almost wanted to cover Nat's little sleeping, not-even-four-week-old ears this morning when certain things were being so melodiously chanted in that 20 minute "Gospel reading." I'd rather she not hear that the good guys lose most of the time and the bad guys take the spoils and gloat. And all I could come up with in an hour and a half of pondering what I might tell her when she's old enough to understand was this:

"Being a Christian doesn't mean that you are going to be on the winning team. It doesn't mean your enemies will come to justice in any way you will ever see and recognize. All it really means for sure is that when the world is a dark, cold place, there will be the tiniest of spark to light your way. And it means that when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you will not walk there alone."