Identification and Identity

When we were in our pre-adoption stage (pre-Nat), we had to take an extraordinarily silly--maybe even harmful--course via telephone conference that was supposed to teach white people about parenting children of color (it was mostly white parents/Black children, but there were a few other race mixes too).  

but its silliness and possible harmfulness aside, I remember one of the women in the course telling us about something that was distressing her, that had prompted her to take the course voluntarily, as she was already raising two Black children.  What she said had upset her was that her 4-year old daughter had told her she wished she had pale skin and straight hair--like her mommy.

I remember telling the woman that I thought it was pretty normal for a child of that age to identify with her primary caregiver (this woman was a single mom too--so very, very primary) and that what she had was a teachable moment to start expressing ideas about race and family and identification overtly to her children and create for them a comfort level in discussing those things.  Freaking out might be her first impulse, but she ought to take a deep breath and start talking nonjudgmentally to the kids about their feelings about looking different from their mother.

The I made a mental note not to freak out, myself when the same thing inevitably happened to me.

Now, mind you, I am not suggesting that something like that never will happen to me, and I promise not to freak out (too much) when/if it does.

But I was one deeply pleased mama last week when Nat drew a spontaneous portrait of her family, featuring Mama Shannon with curly hair and something that looks to me like crosses, sticking out all over my head.  When asked to describe this picture of me, Nat explained that the crosses were my braids.

Nat has never seen me wearing any braids at all in my hair, mind you.  I have at various times in my life braided my hair (in one, single, pathetically thin braid) but not lately.  But when I saw that Nat had fantasized me to look like her, rather than wishing she looked like me, I must admit it gave my heart a little thrill.

Here's the picture, for those of you who missed it on FaceBook:

Comments

[http://designermama-manaallamano.blogspot.com/]

That's awesome.

[jlp]

Fantastic -- and the picture is adorable.

[Beth]

No way! N just told me last night that she would like me to get Loretta (her teacher who does fancy braiding) to braid my hair.

[LilySea]

Awesome, Beth.

[Lucky]

I love it! It reminds me of a game that my 5-year-old daughter invented a few months ago. She told me to pretend that I thought I had "beautiful dark skin." So, I walked around the room with my head high, preening and saying, "Look at my beautiful dark skin. I have the most beautiful dark skin." My daughter let me go on for a couple of minutes, then she deadpanned, "No, you don't. You have white skin." I acted shocked and then sad. I told her that I wanted to match her, and I asked why I can't have dark skin too. Then she explained the whole thing to me -- about how your skin matches your birth mama's skin, about how I look just the way I'm supposed to and so does she, and about how our skin doesn't have to match for us to be a family -- all the things I've been saying for years without knowing if it was sinking in! She asked to play this game every few days for about a month, then she was done with it.

[LilySea]

aw, that's sweet, Lucky.

[Shereen]

So lovely. My 7YO was looking at herself in the mirror the other day; she kept saying she looked 'like she has powder on her face', and finally she explained that she was seeing the lovely golden sheen all around her forehead, nose and cheeks. I pointed out that what she had was better than makeup, it was her own gorgeous skin colour. And then she said to me, "Mom, I wonder why people think black skin is so beautiful, and they don't like their own?" Outwardly, I said calmly, "yeah, it would make much more sense to just be happy with what you've got, hey?" But inside, I was whooping with joy. Because damn, if that's the message she's getting out in the world as it is today, I'm okay with that.

You look lovely in braids, by the way. ;-)

[Sharon]

My son is almost 7 and for as long as I can remember I have told him that God made him Brown and me Pink and that on the inside I was brown. Well, when he started school he would tell people that I was his mom and that I was brown on the inside.

My then husband and I took the same type of class and I think it didn't do as much eye opening as they would thought it would. Living our family "out in the world" has been a huge education. I wish the thing they would have taught me was to politely tell people to mind their own business. I haven't mastered that yet.

[alaraca]

So great. What is that thing you're holding in your right hand?

[Cavatica]

Truly cool!