Proud of My Girls

Selina:

A couple of days ago, Selina mistook someone on the street for Babysitter J (her favorite person on the planet Earth).  She called his name happily, but we told her it was someone else.  The man turned around and looked at her with distinct annoyance on his face.  "Say hi!" we cajoled Selina, because we felt awkward.  But after a couple of times being told this, Selina looked the obviously disgruntled man in the eye and said, calmly, "I don't want to say hi."

Well good for her.  She shouldn't have to make us feel less awkward about a perfectly harmless baby mistake or feel the need to be polite and conciliatory to strangers who aren't polite and conciliatory themselves.  Anyway, that's my humble opinion.  I think it's a very good thing to be polite and gracious, and we are certainly teaching our kids that.  But you know, girls are asked far too much by our culture to smile and act nice for the benefit of others.  And they shouldn't have to if they don't want to.  I was proud of Selina for discerning that this strange, annoyed man was not someone she really wanted to engage.  She wanted to engage her beloved J.

Nat:

Nat is a champ in her Spanish class.  She really loves the teacher and I think the teacher is rather fond of her too.  But they do this weird thing at the school.  They use a plant mister--a little spray-bottle full of water, and they squirt the kids with it as a reward when they respond in an exercise or game.  I can't even imagine how anyone came up with that idea.  I see a water mister and think "cat punishment" right?  But the other kids (not Nat) just laugh and giggle and seem to love it when the teacher squirts them with this water bottle.

So it was Nat's turn, and she dutifully did whatever the teacher was aiming for her to do and the teacher squirted her. I was peeking through the classroom window and I saw Nat flinch.  I happen to know she hates to be sprayed with anything, because she complains whenever I spray water or conditioner on her hair when I'm braiding it.  So the teacher made it around the circle and got back to Nat again.  She asked Nat for a response again, and Nat hesitated, looked the teacher in the eye, and said calmly but clearly, "I don't want you to spray me with that water."  The teacher told her that was fine and she promised not to spray Nat any more.  Then Nat gave her the answer she wanted, and the teacher cheered her sin water sprayer.

I was just really impressed that Nat didn't cry or throw a tantrum or try to leave the circle, (or come looking for me) but neither did she submit to something she didn't like.  She named her boundary politely and made sure it was going to be respected before she went on with the exercise.

Really, I think I was as proud of that as I was of her quick and ready responses to the instruction.  Prouder even, maybe.

I wouldn't have done that at four.  No way, no how.  I would have rolled over with whatever awful thing the adult was doing or telling me to do.  I was a meek little kid.  Nat is not meek, but she is not rude, either.  Go Nat!

Comments

[Beate]

Totally awesome on both counts. I think teaching kids to articulate their boundaries is hugely important.

[electriclady]

Awesome. I was a very meek child (as was my husband) and so I worry about my daughter getting rolled over. We've noticed that when other kids push her or take toys away from her she doesn't know what to do (usually she just stares blankly, rarely if they are aggressive she will cry) so we are working on teaching her to say "Don't push me" or "I don't like that."

[Allie]

Excellent.

[Lula]

Evidence of both great parenting/modeling AND great individual personalities. You are wonderful family for each other.

[Rosemary]

I had a hard time doing that at 14 or 24. Go Nat!

[anonymous today]

Our little boy has an often overbearing grandfather, to whom he said, "you're not my boss" today, calmly and strongly. I was proud so proud of him.

[Lori]

I have worked in a lot of child focused settings. I have studied a lot of theory. I have never... ever heard of the water mister. That strikes me as odd, really odd.

I agree that kids should not be forced to say hi etc. My dd is a hugger, a very touchy feely kind of gal. I can`t tell you how often she goes to hug a child, the child resist and the parent corrects the child for not allowing Dawn to hug them. I gently tell the child it is ok to ask Dawn not to hug them. I then tell both Dawn in the other child that any time you don`t want to be touched it is ok to say so.

[alaraca]

Thank you for writing about that. As a recovering meek person, I often cross the line into snippiness or belligerence because I never learned to calmly and appropriately state my boundaries. It makes me so happy to hear about two girls who won't be like me.

[Margie]

Bravo Selina and Nat!! Bravo you guys, too, for helping them develop the self-assurance that gave them the ability to react as they did in these situations!

Hope all is well in your world - have a wonderful Fourth!!