Not That I Care...

...what strangers think of my kids, whom they don't know, but okay fine, I want to stick up for my babes.

This post of mine at Strollerderby got one little snippety comment that made me want to defend Nat. (No, the other comments on the other posts haven't bothered me. It's not personal so whatever.)

Basically, someone suggested that Nat's bad behavior was being commented upon when someone asks her why she's not in school. And I certainly know what the commenter means. But that's really and truly not what happened. And I feel the need to clarify here, in my personal space, because Nat, in fact, has had stellar behavior lately, especialy considering her 3-year old world has just been turned upside down and inside out and backwards. The changes for Nat include moving to a new "house," sleeping in a new bed (we just got her regular one up here yesterday), living in not just a new city but an entirely new kind of place and neighborhood (from small-down and sleepy to urban and racing), ALL new people (we've had only one weekend visit with friends from Champaign, and we have more to come, but not for another week), a new schedule, featuring new parenting configurations--Mama Shannon is on mornings now AND nights, because Cole-Mom is out of town at work many days per week. This is the biggest change of all, because Nat is used to seeing Cole-mom 2-6 hours per day, and now she goes from 3-5 days at a time without seeing her at all. BIG change. And finally, Nat is wearing underwear most of the time now, having better days and worse, but adjusting to using the potty.

And sometimes, she is obstinate and doesn't listen to me and I get really frustrated with her until I recount all these changes and realize that when she stops listening, she is just putting on the brakes because she has overloaded on the changes.

But all-in-all, she is magnificently behaved.

We have also had at least three people voluntarily comment on Nat's excellent behavior. Two waiters have gone out of their way to do so and after finding out Nat is only three were shocked and said her behavior had them guessing she was five. A third, the owner of a pricey kids' boutique where we cleaned up on summer clearance items to put away for next year, has seen the girls in her small store three times now and admired the way the play in the corner she has set up with toys for children as the parents shop. Nat played with her sister and other children in that corner, sharing without being asked, and cleaning up cheerfully when requested. Most of the kids who use the corner don't bother to clean up at all.

So no, the people who asked about school weren't making veiled comments about Nat's bad behavior. If anything, they were asking "where did she learn such excellent social skills?"

And that is all. Defensive but proud Mama, over and out.

Comments

[Jody]

Oh, Shannon, it sounds like YOU should be having a few tantrums of your own. This must be pretty tough for you and Cole, too.

Glad to hear that Nat is handling things so well.

[eeka]

I wonder if the commenter wasn't referring to Nat's behavior specifically, but rather, suggesting that people who ask kids why they aren't in school are the childfree-movement types who don't think any kid should be anywhere?

(For the record, I love the original idea of the childfree movement, in that it validates that not raising children is just as good of a choice as raising children. I'm referring to the childfree folks who don't feel children should be welcome anywhere, see all children as annoyances, etc.)

[Rosemary]

Seriously? It happened to me and my sister all the time when we were homeschooled. People would come up and say that we should be in school, or wonder why we weren't, and there was no way we were misbehaving. I think, if anything, people are so indoctrinated to believe that children belong in a structured school environment, that they question the choice of parents who eschew this path. I believe the question is more about the parents than the children and also? How can you suggest someone's kid is misbehaved when you have never seen them? Oy.

[Donita]

My opinion: People are just too damn nosey.

[Christina Shaver]

But the main thing is... why should it even matter to anyone why Nat is in school or not?

Maybe this post touches me a little close to home since my four year old is not in school this year precisely BECAUSE of behavior issues. No school -- not even his former therapeutic preschool where they work on behavior issues -- would take him because he has been considered a danger to himself and others. (And don't even get me started on the fact that I'm now realizing that I'm going to have to face and figure out how to handle that "angry black man" stereotype one day.)

But as you noted, kids go through cycles. And while my son was literally terrorizing us all just a few months back, he is now done nearly a 180.

So, I guess my point is, even IF the behavior problem were the case, really, is it anybody's business to judge?

[Allie]

I think that, in this country at least, children are often deemed to be automatic 'trouble' unless they're involved in some organised activity - preferably in a special location 'for children'. I think this is very sad. Some of my happiest childhood memories are of hours spent playing with other kids in a 'non-organised' way.

Personally, I think it is rather sad that people are robbed of confidence in their interaction with children because they are given the constant message that the children would be better off in an institution with a 'childcare specialist'. Children are just us when we were younger...

[Beth]

After reading the comment in context, I really think the commenter's point was not that she thought Nat had behavior problems -- but that there are some people out there who say "Why aren't you in school?" and it's code for "Why do I have to interact with a child at all?" My read is that she was critical of those people, not of you or Nat.