Non-Mother's Day

Some of you probably heard all about Teleflora's "non-mom" contest category that included adoptive moms. (They got floods of complaints. Read the small print at the top of the page and you'll see their hasty apology.)

Calling adoptive moms non-moms is offensive, sure, but unfortunately, common enough. Most of us have been asked if we have/couldn't have/want to have "children of our own." It's pretty much about like that.

Whatever.

Ultimately, who cares if others don't think I'm a "real" mom? I know I am, my kids know I am and when it boils down to it, I have my children. Whatever anyone says, I get to be the one they go crazy for greeting when I've been out. I get to be the one to cuddle them on the couch in front of the t.v. all day when they're feverish (Nat, today). I get to teach them to read and write and eat a meal with good manners. I get to watch them grow and change and I get to guide them to adulthood. It doesn't really make any difference to me whether some ignorant person insists this isn't "real." I get to have my kids.

Who are the real "non moms" according to pretty much everyone on the planet? First moms, of course. They didn't even get a Teleflora contest category. Why is no one up in arms about that? Because folks actually believe it. They believe first mothers don't count, shouldn't count, should closet themselves and stay invisible. Some adoptive parents like to imagine first mothers as angels in the hospital bed, laying there, passing the baby off to their superior care. (I had a venty chat with a first-mom friend today so this image is fresh in my mind.) But that's where they want them to stay. First moms aren't supposed to go on and have actual lives and continue to be mothers after the soft-focus photo op.

Maybe it's because I'm queer and I'm used to people thinking my family relationships aren't real. But so far into this adoptive parenting gig, I am far, far less concerned about being dissed by the public than I am about first moms being dissed. Those are my babies' mothers, folks! Their flesh and blood.

Teleflora "fixed" their adoptive mom slight and posted the apology. (Frankly, adoptive moms should just be mixed into all the other categories if you ask me.) They also sneakily (no apology) changed the description of their adoptive mom candidate from, "mother to one daughter of her own and six other children who began life at Meth babies."

It's all P.C. now. But the first moms are still invisible.

I'm not the biggest fan of holidays invented to sell stuff. We wouldn't really recognize mother's day around here if it weren't for the fact that we had mothers galore--Cole, me, my mother and Fern--in the house on Sunday for Selina's big event. So we bowed to Ha11m@rk and passed out the gifts. To all the mothers here.

Comments

[shirky]

The 'hallmark holiday' label seems like a bad rap. US Mother's Day has a very honorable origin imo.

[Lisa]

yeah, I was just going to say the same thing as Shirky. I had to teach about Julia Ward Howe (a Unitarian) in Sunday School. Her Mother's Day lament was about keeping our children out of war and giving women the right to vote in order to help make that happen.

It has gotten all Hallmark-y, but I guess you don't have to celebrate it that way.

And that teleflora thing was awful! Several of the categories are, if not offensive, just kind of nonsensical. Like the "COE-chairman of everything" mom. Um, don't we all do those things? Isn't that just the gig? Anyway, glad you got to celebrate Mother's day with all of your children's important moms. And special thoughts for Mama Rose as well.

[PhoenixRising]

"Maybe it's because I'm queer and I'm used to people thinking my family relationships aren't real" is a perspective. I like to think of it as 'prepared by life for the challenges to bonding with legal strangers'.

The coolest part of our home study was the guided conversation with our adoption worker about this issue. She had never worked with a same-sex couple before, and it was this beam of light into the darkness of her awareness when Mrs. Phoenix said "no, we're not worried about whoever goes second adopting this kid being a lesser parent. Our marriage is no less of a commitment just because it's not yet legalized, and our chosen family doesn't have less claim on us than our families of origin'.

At that time, it was a pretty radical suggestion to state that someday soon we would be legally married, but it got the point across: Relationships are as real as how we treat them. We make a family by doing things, not by saying things.

That said, I'm officially no longer a TeleFlora customer. Who looked past that pile of dumbth?

[Susan]

Amen, Shannon.

[danni]

I once was asked by a friend of a friend if I ever wanted to have children. I gave her a brief background on my relationship with another women who had a child and how I will always feel as though I am a parent although we had seperated and I was still in his life. She responded that it was different when you "have a real child and become a parent". So in this womens eyes there is a young man who I parented from four to ten years old and is now 19 who is not real. What? When I told our mutual friend, who is adopted, her comments she went crazy for both us. Arrrgggghh!

[Lori]

This contest makes me angry on so many levels.

First of all I did take offense to being called a non mom. Being labeled an adoptive mom was not much better. At the end of the day I am just a mom, the category that best fits me would be chairperson of everything.

Like you said they did not have a category for first moms. Hmmm if I am a non mom and my kids biological parents cease to exist... my kids must not have parents? Is that how telaflora and their partners view my kids?

I was further offended at the need to label kids as "started off as meth babies" What a stigma for the kids. What a hero mentality for the non mom,,,aka adoptive mom. It suggest she "rescued" the poor little meth babies. Maybe I am unique in my view that adoption should not be viewed with a rescue mentality.

I can not believe how many people must have signed off on this promotion before it was launched.
Everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves.

[Meg]

As another queer adoptive mama, I really appreciated this post.

"But so far into this adoptive parenting gig, I am far, far less concerned about being dissed by the public than I am about first moms being dissed..."

I completely agree with this, and so well said too!

[kimkim]

It's not that we don't count - we just don't exist. We are the subject that when mentioned is seen as bad manners.

If they had mentioned us and in an insulting way they also never would have bothered to apologize. Yes you may be right, we don't count, but can I add we don't exist either......

But really the only person I want to hear from on Mother's Day is my daughter.

Can I just add that I don't want to be mentioned as a first mom/mum/mother. I am just.a.mother, no prefix. Not first last or birth - I am just a mother, just like you are.

Thanks for letting me comment here.