Atavistic

One of the coolest things to me about babies is how I can look at them and see ancient ancestors. Little Selina clings to me, even when I'm already holding her tight, and if I make a sudden move (or sneeze!), she grabs tighter, as if to insist "don't drop me out of the tree!" I lay her down for thirty seconds on a soft, warm bed and her face scrunches up and she prepares to wail as if she'd been left on a rocky hillside like Baby Oedipus, just waiting to be plucked away and carried off by eagles.

Baby care is such a physical task, whether you gave birth or not; whether you're breastfeeding or not. I'm always hearing biological mothers blithely refer to "hormones" as if that is what drives them to hear phantom cries, or wake when the baby's breathing pattern changes slightly, or to have eyes in the back of their heads. But I have all these things too, so if it's hormones, they must be triggered by motherhood as a state, rather than necessarily pregnancy or nursing per se.

I am convinced that adoption is as "natural" as anything can be said to be.

I used to date an OB/Gyn who had delivered thousands of babies (plus one of her own) and she told me that human beings' tendancy to anthropomorphize everything from goldfish to cars is an evolutionary atavism that reflects our "adoption gene." She said that given the high number of fatalities our ancestors experienced in child birth, the willingness--even desire--to pick up a baby unrelated by blood, to see ourselves in it and care for it as our own was a survival necessity.

Selina is certainly eager for me to pick her up these days. She won't sleep anywhere during her daytime naps but on a human being. At night she is sleepy enough to go down in her hammock, but she is spending about 16 hours of 24 on a person (me, Cole, David, one of a couple of helpful friends) every day lately. She snuggles down, finds a fist of clothing to grab and holds on for dear life and I can hear her little self pleading to be kept close and protected from wolves and it hits me somewhere in my reptilian brain.

I know childhood is culturally constructed and its definition shifts over time, but I can't help but think that when we did live in trees, and of course didn't put the babies down at all, well, that was somehow the essence of true infancy. I know babies can survive and thrive though they are parented in many different ways, but it just kills me to have this back problem that keeps me from being able to just strap Selina on and go about my business. I get stuck in the rocking chair a lot so as to hold her as much as she craves. And when people suggest that I shouldn't hold her so much or even say I'm "spoiling" her, well, the adoption hormones (or whatever they are) almost drive me to growl and snarl like a wolf myself. So clear is it to me that my baby needs to be held.

I did get to start the physical therapy with my chiropractor last Thursday. Here's hoping that by the time we are slogging through multiple airports next week, it will not be completely forbidden for me to wear that baby wrap.

Comments

[Lisa]

This was a really interesting post. When I was with my infant twins, I just knew that they needed to be held more than I could hold them. It was the logistics of two, back issues, mass fatigue and no relief help that made me have to put them down more than I knew they wanted. I do think that having each other helped some, but still, they did the best when I could hold them both at the same time in the rocking chair. Of course, I couldn't do anything else, then.

I think that this nuclear family thing is what is sucking some of the life out of motherhood. In my case, I had next to no one to help me with them and I know that it made the quality of my parenting decline. I think, to extend your 'adoption is natural' theme, that we as humans are supposed to parent in groups. Whether that is extended biological family or community/tribe or whatever. Kids need to be held and paid attention to, adults need to be able to eat/sleep/go to the bathroom/rest their backs and such. It requires several people to parent. It just does. How this job got to be a thankless mother does it all by herself and everyone thinks she does nothing all day, I don't understand.

I don't know how the communal parenting thing translates to our more primitive ancestors. I do think it is interesting that many animals reject some of their young if they have too many. While other animals naturally adopt these young.

BTW, pics of Cole and Selina are adorable.

[Tricia]

Ignore everybody but what you and Cole think works for your family!! That's my unsolicited advice...

[maike]

my friend and neighbor had her fourth child last year. and she says the only rule she learned about children, and babies in particular, is that you cannot spoil a baby. it is just plain impossible.

[Donita]

You have such a beautiful way of putting into words what every mother feels (or should feel, in my mind). You are right on the money, baby! To those suggesting "spoiling" need to spend a few nights alone in the cold woods without food or clothing and see how it feels when their basic needs aren't being met. Babies NEED to be held, it's not something that should be negotiated! These people need to be knocked in the knoggin.. HARD!

[Valerie]

I'm usually just a lurker, but I love this post and wanted to comment. I had a very sililar baby to Selina. Snuggle her up all she needs and enjoy her. I don't think you can spoil a child with love.

Thank you for writing this excellent blog.

[Round is Funny]

I'm a huge babywearing fan, despite all the warnings about "spoiling the baby." One woman told me adamantly: if you carry him in that sling all the time, he'll expect you to hold him whenever he wants it! As if that was a horrible thing.
Roo is a year old, and he still gets worn for at least a few hours a day - he sleeps better, whines less, and laughs a lot more, and we get a lot more done. What's not to like?

[Shavonne]

I don't have children but I just know I would be a babywearer if I had a baby. I actually like feeling needed and I will hold a baby as long as they want me to sometimes against a parent's wishes!

[Rosemary]

Babies who are held and made to feel as if someone will be there to keep them safe and warm grow up to be stronger creatures for having been loved. If that's spoiling them, well, then maybe we should change our views of being spoiled!
http://www.parenting.com/parenting/experts/sears/index081601.html

[Brooklyn Mama]

I think your points about the physicality of motherhood (adoptive or bio) and the anthropomorphizing and the "adoption gene" are really interesting, and spot on. Here's hoping your back is well enough to hold hold hold your baby.

[Mermaidgrrrl]

I love this post! It absolutely reflects how I'm feeling about being a mother to our little 13 weeks old. He's just like a baby monkey, dragging himself up on handfuls of my long hair if I'm not quick enough to get it out of his way. I've enjoyed being in touch with my "primal self" and going with that flow. And also, there's no such thing as "spoiling" a baby. That's a load of post-industrialisation bullshit.

[Betsy]

I love your blog and this has got to be one of my favorite posts. Strikes at the core of mom-dom. I'm a mom, though not an adoptive one, but I totally buy the mama bear thing and how ingrained it is, however our children come to us. Best wishes for taking care of yourself and your family.

[Allie]

I think there are very deep responses that we have to babies that we bond with - however the bonding comes about. I gave birth to one of our kids and my partner to the other. I can remember an evening, when our daughter was a couple of days old, when I was rocking and walking with her and an immense, sensual wave of love just knocked me sideways. I remember kissing her little head and knowing I'd kill or die for her. When I gave birth to our son I felt many of the same sensations and emotions. I don't say biology is nothing - there are times when I think it has affected my parenting - but I think the whole parent/baby thing is way more complex than most people realise.

On the holding thing - if I had my time again I'd have held more and done the laundry less.

[Sheri Bheri]

The next time someone says you're "spoiling" your kids, the perfect response is: "No, things (food for example) get 'spoiled' when we leave them alone too long without the proper care and attention." (I was so impressed when I heard my Mom repeat this to someone, it obviously struck a chord with her.)

Also, in the case of adoption, you guys should be working HARD at establishing a good bond.

Better yet, if anyone tells you you're spoiling your kids, tell them "what are the first two letters in the word futon?"

I love the pictures, she's getting that adorable chubby baby look, I could just eat her up.

[Nicole]

This is my favorite post of yours ever, here or anywhere. I am sending it out to several mothers in my life.

[Angela]

Hold your baby as much as you need. You are the mommy!