Yes, No, Maybe?

In the aftermath of her accident, Cole has been on the phone with insurance companies. This morning, someone asked her if she was married.

Now, that's a trick question. Because no matter what we say, we're lying. Yes, in Canada, No, in Illinois (which doesn't make any sense at all seeing as opposite sex couples are married everywhere when they're married) or Maybe, depending on what the question is actually getting at.

She said no.

We talked, and I told her that in the future, I was going to start saying "not legally" (which is still a lie: see Canada, above) which would toss the question back if need be, for clarification. If they are asking about my living or family sitatuation, they can then ask more, and if they are asking a straight-up (in more ways than one!) legal question, they have their answer (sort of).

Bah.

What do you say when you get this one?

(For more on this, see an old post at Waiting for Nat)

Comments

[parodie]

You could say "Not according to US law" which would have the benefit of being technically true...

[shirky]

what would happen if you just said yes?

where would that lead?

I say yes because I am, but did for years before. The only thing that happened was that we get junk mail for "Mr. McLazy" now.

I was never in any situation with say, the police or a court. I probably would have choked up at that. I still fear the Man, alas.

[Round is Funny]

I second Shirky. Because we're in Mass, it's sometimes more straightforward, but the insurance company is thrown every single time. When I'm feeling uppity, I say "yes, though the federal government insists that I'm not."

[Christine]

I say yes.

My marriage is a marriage as valid as any other--everywhere except where my taxes are concerned.

[Kate]

We haven't dealt with it too much, being in Massachusetts, but I did insist on filing a paper tax return this year, just so I could write "Married in Mass!" next to my checkmark on the single box. We did have one tricky thing when it turned out that my worker's comp company is not based in Mass. It didn't really have any direct impact on the proceedings, though, so I just said I was married. `Hope Cole is doing alright now!

[elswhere]

Depends on who's asking, and why. In social situations, yes. On the phone with financial/insurance/tax people, no or "Yes, but not legally for our purposes here."

[Stephanie]

First, I'm glad to hear Cole is okay and thank you for starting with that part two posts ago. I hope she's not having any lingering physical effects form the accident.

The marriage question is hard, I think. It reminds me a bit of the "How many children do you have?" question asked to the mother with a child who died. Of course, the issues are totally different, but I think in each case denying the relationship being asked about makes the person feel like a fraud or like they are not being loyal to their child/spouse.

If it were me, I'm not sure what I would say. I think it depends on how much you feel like telling the person asking. However, it is not fair that a straightforward answer is not available to you.

[Nancy]

I've fielded a similar question a few times in the last week and a half when people say, "I heard you got married." It's been hard not to say, "yes...well, not in the legal sense." On some level, if feels as if that last part cheapens my response and my marriage.

I think I will take a cue from the posting above and firmly say that I am but the federal government and the District of Columbia have their heads in the sand.

[Liza]

Like most everyone else, I'm in the "it depends" camp. Ironically, I used to say yes, before Massachusetts. But now that I technically could be somewhere and I'm technically not, I feel more sensitive to the nuance.

All that said, I usually say some variation of "not legally."

[amy]

I'd go with "do as the Romans", because it will buy you the fewest problems with the wage slave at the other end of the line, who may or may not harbor all kinds of unsightly prejudice. If you give a complicated answer when the wage slave wants to fill in an empty field, you will a) piss off the wage slave; b) encourage questions that may end in a long and potentially expensive hassle.

So: In Canada, say yes. In states that will recognize your marriage, say yes. In states that won't, say no. That'd be my call.

[Tricia]

Hey there- just wandered in from Squeak's moms...

I generally say- "it depends" I kinda like to watch them or listen to them squirm...