Mothers

Our meeting with Ivy was lovely except that Ivy was really ill with swollen tonsils. She shouldn't have come at all, she should have stayed in bed, but she told us she didn't want to let us down, since we'd driven so far (3.5 hours ish). So we only chatted for 15 minutes or so before she needed to get home and take her antibiotics and sleep.

We talked about names, we talked about birth She is absolutely certain she absolutely wants us in the delivery room. The very first thing she said to Cole upon shaking her hand was "did she tell you I want you there?" She even wanted to talk logistics--should we come up and stay near her close to her due date? Should she come down and stay near us? Her babies tend to come early and within 4 hours, so if we're going to be there, we need to plan it out. So that is that. These are her strong wishes. I am not interested in condescending to tell her she is wrong about what she thinks she wants. We know that baby isn't ours until the papers are signed and we know that even after (if) papers are signed that baby is still hers. As I told someone else today, I can't change the law, but I can bend over backwards to honor her moral rights. And she has, at this point not only a moral, but a legal right to decide who is allowed at her birth. If she changes her mind between now and then, that's fine. But as long as she feels this way, it's her decision.

Separate from all that, we of course, are delighted to be there, whether the baby comes home with us or not. I have always wanted to attend a birth and have not had the chance yet. It will be an honor to be there for her regardless of our ultimate relationship to the child. And if the baby does come home with us, it will have been a blessing to have all three moms there for its birth.

On "it": Ivy still doesn't know the gender. I think she gets one ultrasound and she says she'll send us copies of the photos and let us know gender if they can tell. So we're still airing both girl and boy names.

Naming.
There's a thorny one. Lots of adoptive parents talk about it.

Cole and I have been talking names for months. We thought we had first names all figured out and would leave a middle name for the first mother. Well, that's not how Ivy sees it. She wants us all to talk names together. So we are back to the drawing board. I want to keep the first names we picked out but move them to middle names and pick new firsts with Ivy. But Ivy is not all that keen on the girl name we picked. So we'll see how it all comes out. I'll have to let you know. I do know that I feel quite differently about this now than I did before I had Nat, which brings me to...

Already Being a Mother while Planning to Adopt.
When we did this with Nat, we had no idea what we were doing. Rose was an abstraction to us. We didn't know her before Nat's birth and after we heard about her on the phone from the social worker, we still didn't feel we knew her. We respected her, we wanted to know all about her, but we didn't know her.

When we met her we loved her instantly. That was because by the time we met her, Nat had been home with us for two days and we loved her instantly, and so we loved Rose, the flesh of her flesh.

But in this case, Ivy is not an abstraction. Even before we met her, she was less an abstraction than Rose had been, because now we are parents and we weren't back then. I know what it feels like to be a mother now in a way that I didn't quite know before (I have parented before, but not with a legal commitment). Now I know how it feels to have someone put a baby in your arms and say, "this is your daughter." In short, it felt to me like "this is my daughter." Done and over and I am a mother unchanging forever and that is that. If, five minutes later, someone said "that's not your child," I would have thrown myself under a car to prove otherwise.

So without knowing what someone else feels per se, I do know that a woman who's grown a baby in her body for nine months is a mother, unchanging forever. And I knew that, intellectually before Nat, but I feel it, viscerally now. And whatever formal, legal power imbalances there might be between us, if we parent Ivy's baby, there are no moral imbalances as I see it. I know that not all adoptive parents would agree with me, but that's how I see it. So Ivy has as much right to name this child as we do. "Saving" the middle name for her is not really equal. It's tossing her a bone. That's how I feel about it. And if it were Nat in question here, I'd want to be an equal part of the process. Not handed some little piece of it that the people with the legal power condescended to give away.

I think Cole is feeling at least this way about it. Maybe even more strongly. So, like I said, we're back to the drawing board and that is why.

Comments

[dawn]

I want to thank you for both updates (this one and the email one!) and reiterate how good I feel about this for you and for Ivy. I'm glad that she found you whatever the outcome because I know her experience will be better for having someone who respects her and her wishes and that this may be (I think it WILL be) the strong foundation for a life-time together as family!

[Yatima]

It's such an extraordinary thing and I am so excited for you all. Ivy sounds amazing and so strong.

I love the symbolism of Rose's and Ivy's names; the garden from which your family springs. Can't wait to hear the name you come up with together.

[regine]

Great post. Hopefully, you and Cole will able to make it on time for the birth. Unless Mama Ivy has a c-section scheduled, it might be a challenge. But how exciting the prospect of being there...
Not that you have a choice, but any preference regarding gender?

[Sue]

I am so behind that this is news to me. Congratulations on getting a serious start on the second parenting journey!

It is a huge temptation to compare everything, when you have only done this one big thing once before. If your process is anything like mine there will be so many opportunities to compare and so many differences. What was hard the first time might be easy the second time, and vice versa.

I would say good luck but that feels like a diss on Ivy. I guess I'll just say best wishes for all of you.

[Beth]

Clearly she knows she's not "just the incubator"! Thanks for being open to her full partnership in naming the baby. It makes me feel good to know about it.

[cloudscome]

I can relate to what you are saying about the naming. Both my adopted sons have the first names their first moms gave them and I wouldn't think of changing them. I still think of them as sons of their other mothers, even though I am completely their mother. It is very hard to put this feeling into words and I don't read or hear many other adoptive parents saying it the way I feel it but I think you are on the same wave length here.

[Lisa]

I'm getting really excited for you all--no matter how it turns out.

I know I'm not in Ivy's position at all and my situation is nothing like hers, but when you mentioned her wanting to have you and Cole there for the birth, that just totally made sense to me.

This is going to come off as kind of a downer, and I don't mean it to, but when you have very little support during a pg, you tend to look for it where you can find it, even if it is just a kind word or more from a total stranger. She is smart in that she knows what she needs to help her through this and she is willing to do what it takes to get what she needs. Being pg/giving birth alone is really...lonely. I think she knows what she is doing.

I wish you all well and hope she gets over her infection quickly.

[Round is Funny]

"I am a mother unchanging forever and that is that. If, five minutes later, someone said "that's not your child," I would have thrown myself under a car to prove otherwise."

Oh, yes.

I'm glad your meeting went well. I love hearing about the differences as you approach the process for the second time.

[Beth TigerMoon]

So glad the meeting went well :-) but I do hope Mama Ivy is feeling better soon! Being sick when pregnant is so hard.