Random

Scenes from a Wood-Paneled Conference Room

Today, my students and I discussed branding, the difference between public and private space, the shrinking of the former, and if and why we care about that, how capitalism can sometimes look like pre 1989 Romania a la an Andre Codrescu piece we read last week and an anecdote about Walmart censorship in No Logo which we read half of this week. (Those of you following along at home, feel free to get yourself a copy and read to the end for next week.) Summary: my students are jaded cynics who don't believe in social mobility and would rather buy something expensive than something of equal quality but a lower price because "it just doesn't feel the same." Sorry, Stephon, my students and Cole's students all think your shoes are doomed.

Thoughts on the Film Linked Below

It isn't news to me that Black girls have this awful time with beauty standards in the U.S. Heck, every girl has a hard time with beauty standards in the U.S. And Black girls have a worse time, because even if they became anorexically thin, like the models on the billboards, they are still not white, with long, straight hair, like the models on the billboards. And I worry about all aspects of that frequently. I worry about the anorexically thin part and the skin and hair part and I worry about the sexualization of Black women--particularly darker-skinned Black women--in the media and in U.S cultural history and I worry, worry, worry that my daughter--the most beautiful person I've ever met--will fail to fully know just how beautiful she truly is. I know, I know, it's the inner person that matters. But whatever. Nat is beautiful both inside and outside. She just is.

We spend quite a bit of time telling her she's beautiful. I call her "Pretty Girl" or "Beautiful Girl" constantly. I gush about the beauty of her hair while I comb it, however squirmy and unappreciative she might be. And when her hair is finished, we make a special trip to the mirror to go and admire it. "Pretty girl, with pretty brown cheeks and a pretty brown chin and pretty brown eyes and beautiful curly hair" I croon. And she admires herself with real appreciation, almost flirting with her image.

It is certainly not something I would do with a white daughter. I really wouldn't. I would probably not comment on appearance much at all. And with Nat, we do also praise her for being smart, strong, patient, trying hard, practicing, learning, sharing, etc. When she was a baby, I used to sing-song to her "pretty girl, smart girl, sweet girl, big, strong, girl!" and she would break into a huge grin when she heard it.

But I worry about the beauty thing and race. The doll test in the film below is really sad, as many of you pointed out. Clearly school desegregation really had little to do with Black children's view of themselves. But you know what's sadder? I have a heck of a time finding a doll the color of Nat in the first place. I know doll plastic isn't exactly the greatest match for skin in any shade, but the "black" dolls are all several shades lighter than my girl. To me, they look tanned versions of the white dolls. If I tried to say, "the doll has skin like Nat's!" I doubt she'd see the resemblance. And many of the black dolls have curly, but still relaxed hair, compared to Nat's.

As if a doll could solve this problem for my baby. I know that's ridiculous and oversimple. But it is just another example of how the popular culture doesn't value my daughter unless they need a token for a Bennetton or a Baby Gap ad. And I worry that the culture will be more influential than a mother--especially one who has white skin and long, straight hair herself--complimenting her daughter's beauty.

Pregnancy After Infertility: Sensitive Content about Someone's Good News

I have been waiting on pins and needles to tell you that my BFF, who "failed" her second IVF about a year ago, gave up and decided to wait until she was more financially and geographically stable and adopt from China (ironically, she couldn't do it now, under the new regulations), called me in a hotel room while traveling to my in-laws' for the holidays to announce that she just peed on a stick and it was distinctly positive. They weren't trying. It just happened.

This didn't by the way, happen because they decided to adopt. Nor did it happen because they "quit worrying about it and relaxed." Do you have any idea how stressed out some fertile people are? It happened, because when she was doing IVF and responding pretty poorly, she found that only about 1 in 4 or 5 of her eggs was any good. So it took her about 4 or 5 times as long to get pregnant as it might have otherwise. She's had an early ultrasound and all looks great. She says the embryo has officially graduated to fetus and so now I am telling you.

I am so happy for her! And for me, because I get to be an aunt! And I get to be moms together with her!

Now, everyone whisper a prayer, knock wood, or cross your fingers.

P.S.

Oh, and what's your favorite book on toddler adoption?

P.P.S.

I missed the whole blogging for choice thing, but I am pro-choice, because the alternative is the government forcing women to carry and bear children against their will. And that scares me more than abortion, however sad abortion might be.

Comments

[Beate]

I see a dilemma here: The need to counter society's negative messages with positive ones of your own conflicts, to my mind, with the risk that constant judgment of ANY kind will generate insecurities. I'm following the logic of Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional Parenting" when I say that the constant affirmation of Nat's intelligence may some day raise the question (from her or others) of why you're not just taking for granted that she's smart. And yet I see why it's necessary to counter outsiders' negative input. Frankly, I have no idea how I would handle this dilemma. It's a tough one.

[mamamarta]

i guess i agree with what beate said. i think would worry that a smart kid like nat is going to wonder why you're always drawing attention to her beauty, and especially to the beauty of her brownness. almost like you're trying to convince her and/or yourself. i'm sorry if i'm not putting this well, but i have to say that i'm always really thrown when i read about your practice of constant affirmation of nat's intelligence and beauty.

[regine]

Hi, Shannon:

Just to advise you that there are some beautiful dolls out there that match Nat's coloring. (Baby Chouchou and Baby Annabel). Look them up on the net. Beautiful.

[Trey]

this is our dilemma, plus the fact that Emma does NOT like to be called pretty or beautiful and we have no idea why (well, she hates praise in general).

She does like her hair though because as she puts it "you can make it look so many different ways"

There does seem to be a line between too little and too much affirmation, I just don't know where it is exactly.

[Sara]

My thoughts are along the lines of Beate and MotherMarta. I think that the right amount of affirmation is hugely helpful, but too much praise reeks of insincerity.

Sadly, one's mother's view of one's beauty is probably the message least valued by just about any child over the age of 10. Pretty much everybody's mom thinks that they're beautiful, don't they? I think that making sure that the message is reinforced from other directions might be really helpful.

[PhoenixRising]

Toddler Adoption, The Weaver's Craft. I already gave away my copy or I'd send it to you.

As to the 'am I pretty?' question, it's hard. I think I told you about my daughter rubbing an eraser on her arm to make her skin all one color, which happened during kindergarten. We think some other kid commented on the color gap between her palms and her forearms to prompt it, but I reacted badly by making it a big deal. Looking back, I think it made her a bit worried that her skin is a big deal to us, or that our skin is not as functional, which is true enough but not really relevant. In some ways it was good, because the conversation about her birth parents giving her their genes and thereby her skin was something that felt natural in that context but had been feeling forced before that.

My kid has different challenges than Nat--we're burdened by her perfect appearance and the problems caused by those assumptions--but we're focusing this year on affirming for her that she's strong, brave and smart. We decided that if we want her to think that her looks are unimportant, we need to be the first to treat her that way.

There's a difference between not judging my child by the packaging she comes in and not teaching her that others may judge her by her appearance...she has to know that to develop coping skills.

We don't select our friends and babysitters solely by appearance, but it's been a lot easier since we started to acknowledge that her moms can't possibly model for her how it looks to be a confident, lovely woman of color who gets attention for her appearance. Since that's the burden she's going to have to carry, showing her (as I do) how to be a confident, lovely white woman who is often mistaken for a man isn't all that helpful. I think it does transmit the message that our family doesn't judge anyone by appearances, but we can't put her in a protective bubble.

[Heather]

This is a horribly simplistic response to your post. However, i have been investigating making waldorf dolls lately, and I found an online store ( joyswaldorfdolls.com) That has beautiful already made dolls and kits for making your own; which come in a lot of different, beautiful skin tones. If you are looking for a Nat baby, that might be a place to check :o)