Many Things

Ejuhmuhkashun

While I was delirious, I re-read Einstein Never Used Flashcards and Teach Your Own and got all revved up again about homeschooling.

I think I am now ready to blog about homeschooling without getting all pissy and defensive. So bring on the questions or comments if you're interested in the topic and I will address them cheerily and with kindness.

I also scribbled out my "Parenting Vision Statement" (a concept which no doubt pre-exists my making it up, but I don't know where), which I decided Cole and I should write out independently and compare. So after she writes hers, I'll publish mine here. We are pretty much always on the same page, but I thought it would be interesting to look at specifics and have something we put together—together—to pull out in the future when things happen and we don't know what to do. We can consult our vision statement to get on track with the big picture. Has anybody else done this? Am I a complete lunatic who overthinks everything? (Nevermind, don't answer that, especially if you know me in the face-to-face world. Yes, I mean you. Shut up. And stop laughing.)

Hair

In the post about books below, Elise asked about why we want to lock Nat's hair. I've been planning a hair post for some time, so I'll start there.

I've always loved locs. I just think they're beautiful. I have never seen a woman with locs who didn't answer to my vision of the Holy Spirit, or if you prefer, some other kind of supreme queen-goddess. And I find men with locs to be more approachable than any other men. Except maybe men with beards. I realize this probably puts me in a small minority of middle-class white American women. But my daddy has a beard, my ex-husband has a beard, many of my closest white male friends have had beards and many of my closest Black male friends have had locs (and/or beards, in fact). So there you are.

That's an aesthetic and otherwise pretty personal reason.

As far as socio-political-values go, locs fall into that framework in our family perfectly. We place high value on natural hair. And we place high value on pride in natural hair. In DC, I met a lot of people with locs and I liked their attitude towards it. I want Nat to have that strong sense of specialness about herself and her hair. Locs are something only someone with Nat's genetic makeup can have. (I know there are white people out there with locs, but personally, I just think they don't look right AT ALL. Sorry if that's you.) In other words, locs are a treasure unique to Nat's racial heritage that we would like to see her cultivate.

I know there is a lot of debate out there about whether it's appropriate to give a child a hairstyle with the serious implications and "permanance" of locs. But we give our children all kinds of markers of our values that they are too young to choose for themselves. We drag them to religious services (or keep them away). We put political tee shirts on them. We make them eat meat or don't let them eat meat. We decide what school they should attend (if any) or we keep them out. Why should hair be a domain any different from these? Locs reflect our family's values about Black hair. They also reflect the values of our Black chosen family members to a large extent. So Nat will have "loc role models" to look to. If she decides she wants to cut them off someday when she's old enough to decide, it will be her decision and it will mean that getting rid of them is important enough to start all over with her hair. Meanwhile, as this mom insists, why should anyone assume she'll want to get rid of them? I expect she'll go through stages of loving them or hating them as she grows up, but if she sticks it out, she'll have the most beautiful hair of the freshman class she enters when she goes to college (or where ever she goes at age 18). I think she'll be thanking us for our foresight.

Nat's godfather, Uncle Wayne, started his locs about a year ago and they were looking fabulous when we visited recently. We went with him to his salon to see his locktician for a maintenance appointment and took the opportunity to talk to her about Nat's hair.

She asked what we are doing so far, and I gave her our run-down:

1. Wash hair about every ten days or two weeks (depending on how much food she smears on her head in any given week!)

2. Use lots of leave-in conditioner, spray-on detanglers, etc. and comb through carefully

3. Put gentle hairbands in for a few poofs--maybe twist or braid the poofs and tuck them under the hair bands for two-four days at a time, redoing as necessary

4. Taking styling breaks on days we aren't going out anywhere so Nat's hair can rest from the pulling into bands

5. Never pulling the hairline hair into anything--letting it grow strong without being put in any clips or bands (which means her edges always fuzz up, much to some onlookers' dismay in the grocery store--but I stand strong on doing what is actually best for her hair even if it isn't as neat as it would be otherwise)

She gave me an "A+" (her words) and this hair lotion and told me to make Nat silk sheets/pillows (she doesn't use pillows, so sheets it is) to help her back hair grow in without breaking.

She told us she (or another qualified professional) can start locs for Nat at 4 or 5 when her hair is fully grown in and strong enough to loc.

And that was our little hair adventure with Uncle Wayne.

Yesterday I put Nat's hair into two rows of french braids with little clips holding them down in the middle and at the ends. She doesn't have enough back hair to carry it much further than her crown, but it was cute. I discovered that she'll let me play with it if she's standing on her stool at the bathroom sink, being allowed to play in a basin of water and admire herself in the mirror. In a day or two (when I'm feeling better) I'm going to wash and condition it and try four rows of flat twists right after her bath while it's still really soft and wet.

Baby Stuff We Love

Einstein may not have used flashcards, but one trendy, bourgeois parenting fad I absolutely love is ASL for babies/kids. I am not talking about "babysigns" I am talking about real ASL. These videos teach real ASL to children for a variety of reasons from disabilities to second-language opportunities.

We are using them to learn a second language with Nat while she's able to absorb language so easily.

I am loving learning ASL myself. I also found this site (via a forum at signingtime.com, in fact) to try and keep myself ahead of Nat. It's not possible. She learns every sign the first time, thus outpacing me, when I need a bit more practice. I was going to take an in-person intro to ASL at the community college next semester, but I don't think I can manage it while teaching a new class myself. So I'm trying to do the internet free course as often as possible.

I am convinced that it's ASL that has put Nat so ahead of her age group in stuff like letter recognition--not to mention a recognition of the concept behind letters--and counting (and its concept) etc. She gets that some things are signs for other things. Letters are signs for words, which are signs for things or ideas. Somewhere on the website, there's an account of how a mother's cognitively disabled two year-old started sight reading whole words (and understanding them) at age two, several months after learning to sign.

I don't know what it does to her little brain (you can look up the research--also available at the video website) but it clearly does something good.

The problem that sometimes arises is that Nat just understands that everything in the world has a word and a sign. But lots of other people don't know signs. So she will give them signs and get no reinforcement and/or they will accidentally make a sign, Nat will name it enthusiastically, and again, get no reinforcement.

When we were on the plane for 7 hours, a stewardess came up and started playing with Nat on a level that was far beneath her, wiggling her fingers at Nat and saying "fing-ERS!" in a baby-voice. Then she stuck up her thumb and said, "what's this?" to which Nat excitedly declared "ten!" and the stewardess thought she was just babbling. I had to explain that she had inadvertently signed ten. Nat went on to "eleven" and on for a while happily while the stewardess freaked out.

But signing is so worth other people's confusion. Saturday, I was so sick and my throat was so sore that I couldn't talk. I rolled myself out of bed to spend a couple of hours with Nat who had been walking by my bedroom periodically and pounding and begging "mama!" heart-rendingly.

I sat with her and she brought me some of her favorite books. I was able to "read" the books to her by pointing to pictures and making signs while she shouted the words happily. I was able to "talk" to her about what was for dinner and even explain that my throat hurt too much to talk, all in sign.

The only drawback to these particular videos is the expense. But they really are worth it. We have a total of four of them, purchased here and there so as not to impact the budget too hard in any one month, and I plan to get her a couple more as soon as I've cleared all my holiday responsibilities within my budget. (Cole and I have allowances now. I should post more about that. Let me know if you're interested. It's working really well for us.)

If you know anyone who is having or recently had a baby, get them these videos! And check out your local library to see if they have them. If not, request them. I can't enthuse enough about them.

Comments

[mopsa]

1) the loc discussion is intriguing to me. we're currently waiting for our bald son's new hair to reveal itself and it could go either way -- either totally straight like his mom or a brilliant afro like his pop. or, something lovely and in-between. but locs are something I would love to make happen for him if it turns out it's possible.

2) my lovely partner and mack are currently taking an ASL class every tuesday night and they LOVE IT. he is totally engaged and the only baby in the class. the instructor LOVES having him there. I am excited to think about how this will evolve. And, if nothing else, I really enjoy watching them engage on this level.

3)in answer to your question about Mack and sleeping -- no. not yet. but we get chunks and the LP has been a rockstar about night time feedings. I married up when it comes to patience and mommyhood. She's the best.

[Lisa]

1) As a fellow overthinker, I have not officially written out a parent vision statement, but do think along those "overall vision" terms. It sounds like it would be a good excersise for D and I to do. I'd be interested in seeing yours and Cole's.

2) Could you write a post (or point to a nice "for dummies" type link) and explain the whole deal about hair? I know bits and peices but I'd like to understand it better. I've always looked at people with locs, and I think they are cool, but always wondered how they are managed when your hair grows out and stuff.

3) We have recorded the Signing Time videos off of PBS, so I think we have about 15 of them (some are too advanced for the kids as they talk about things that they have no clue about yet.) I do credit them with being one of the best vocabulary builders (english and ASL) and for helping me communicate with them. Another advantage? I taught my guide dog signs and when I was in a business meating, I could very discretely sign to her (Stay. Right.There.) without drawing too much attention to it. I think it will come in handy if I need to speak in strong tones (or just privately) with my kids in the grocery store without causing them embarrassment.

4)I'm always interested in how people budget their money as I am always rethinking and plotting with my own budget. I'd be interested in a money post.

[mamamarta]

parenting for me has been a powerfully humbling experience. among the most humbling aspects is looking back to my daughter's first years (she's now 9.5 yo) when i felt sure i had a "parenting vision" that would guide me through the long-haul. time and a second child completely different from my first have really turned much of what i believed upside down -- mostly in really good (if not easy) ways. now certainly, core values remain unchanged and continue to guide us, but i guess i feel like those are the values that remain so core, they hardly need articulation. i suspect that if i had written a "parenting vision statement" seven or eight years ago (my daugher is now 9.5 yo), reading it now would be mostly an exercise in humility!

having said that, i would also say that one of the main ways i have changed in my thinking about parenting is that i no longer generalize from my own experience (i would have said i didn't do that years ago, but truth be told, i did). so it's entirely possible that writing a "parenting vision statement" will be just the right thing for you and cole!

[bek]

I am a lurker but am posting for the first time..

I love the hair talk. We have a son and a daughter who are black. We keep our son's hair pretty short, but I am trying to decide what to do with our daughters hair. She has a shocking amount of hair for a 4 month old (6 inches when streched out....). I love the idea of locs when she is older. I think that people associate loc's with being dirty or unkempt and my not realize that some of the greatest "black" hair that they may have seen is locs. I think they look wonderful and so nice. We have a little while before I have to think too hard about it. In the neantime, I have been using hair bands to keep the hair out of her face...I didn't konw it was bad for them... (and I have read books and talked to people and gone to hairdressers..no one told me that).

As for baby sign.... that is my college friend Rachel that does those. I am also certified in ASL and British Sign (yes, it is different, if you really want to know why...e mail me).... I taught my first child sign and with the younger two..I have been lazy. You have renewed me. Those videos are GREAT and they are airing on PBS now too. You can TIVO them or record them and watch them as you add to your collection. When I was working with the Deaf in England, I saw babies as young as 6 months making signs... they really do have the cognitive ability to communicate long before they have the coordination required to speak...

Love your blog and I love to see what you post.

[PhoenixRising]

Marta, I couldn't agree more.

When our kid was the age Nat is now, we had a lot of vision. At the age of 7, she has overturned so many of my ideas that she will remain an only child--and I just knew I was raising a big family!

Our parenting philosophy is now very simple: Whatever it takes. And that's all we need to agree on, because part of raising a child is gracefully fumbling our ways through the dark to agree on a definition of 'what it takes'.

YMMV, obviously. Since Nat is already excelling at meeting expected developmental milestones, you're missing out on a very interesting set of challenges to your shared philosophy. And good for you.

[regine]

Awesome post. I'm AA and just realized how little I knew about locs. .. And I did wonder, as Nat was growing older and the texture of her changing,whether you found it more of a challenge.
Always a pleasure reading your blog. And I love men with beards myself. ..