About the Legal Wedding

On the Friday after our arrival in Vancouver, Cole trotted off to her conference and I headed to the Hall of Records (or something official like that) to get us a marriage license. Nat and I slogged uphill through pouring rain, which I oddly enjoyed, though I had to get a rain cover for the stroller the next day, as Nat got soaked, in spite of her hooded raincoat.

I finally found the proper office and waited a short time before it was my turn. I took the plastic bag containing every official piece of identification belonging to our family (Cole's, Nat's and my birth certificates, Cole's, Nat's and my passports, our adoption decree--it was all in there for the immigration official--which is another story) and dumped it onto the desk in front of me.

The woman helping me picked up my passport, jotted the info down, picked up Cole's passport and said "this is your fiancee?" at which point, I fully expected her to throw me out, insisting that I of course, couldn't have a marriage license. But she didn't do that. She jotted down Cole's information, asked me a few questions, took my credit card and charged it ($100 Canadian, ya'll! Why did I not check that part out? I didn't have enough cash and the credit card machine was on the fritz!), fortunately, it ran through. She then handed me a marriage license.

I was completely, for lack of better terms: Freaked. Out.

I couldn't reach anyone on the phone for about three hours, but finally got Nancy to say "I have a marriage license! A license! For marriage! From a government official who didn't kick me out of her office!" It felt really strange, but exciting.

Cole and I rejoined that evening and we had a lovely dinner with one of her colleagues (who has a child about Nat's age also adopted from Chicago) on a rotating 30th floor restaurant. But when I tried to tell Cole how exciting it was to get a marriage license, she kept saying "we're already married." And shrugging it off.

Oh fine, never mind, I figured. She wasn't in that government office expecting to be thrown out and being treated really kindly instead. So she didn't get my point.

Sunday morning, Cole had to go down and ask the hotel folks for a late checkout, since the marriage commisioner was coming at 3 pm to marry us in our room after Nat's nap. So she went down to the front desk while I picked up bits of dry cereal from the floor where Nat had cast them about while watching teletubies and trying to avoid her comb-wielding mama.

A few minutes later, Cole walked through the door again, looking distressed. As soon as she saw me, she burst into tears and ran into my arms. I have not seen her so seemingly upset since her mother was rushed to the emergency room in an ambulance.

"What did they say to you!?" I asked.

"They told me that it was no problem at all, no extra fee, under the circumstances, and to get married in peace!" she bawled into my shoulder.

And that was that. Cole insisted on buying me flowers and we both cried through the whole darn "do you take...?" "will you promise to...?" "lawfully wedded spouses" thing, while Uncle Davis took photos and Uncle Wayne held Nat.

Yes, we were already married before. That's definitely true. But what we didn't think about was how it would feel to have our relationship treated with kindness and even congratulations rather than with nastiness or grudging tolerance. Cole said that when the folks at the hotel were so nice to her, it made her realize how mean so many people so often are. We forget the shadow we usually travel under--whether checking into hotels or eating a meal in an unfamiliar town or stopping for gas on the road. We are always looking over our shoulders, speaking in slightly lowered voices, speculating about whether the waiter knows we're a family or not (and if not, how he might behave if he did). We forget that it should be perfectly reasonable for a government official to give us what we apply for, within our rights as law-abiding citizens.

Since the wedding and returning home, I've had this new feeling about telling people I'm married. I've been telling people I'm married ever since our "real" wedding 4 years ago. But now, I have this strange feeling of coherence that I didn't even know was missing before. I can say "I'm married" and have it mean exactly what my listener thinks it means. It means the exact same thing "married" means when any other married person says it. It's odd because I never knew I felt "off" using the term before. I know that people would often ask a thousand follow-up questions when I told them my "husband" was not a man. And while I had no problem telling them, I felt (I now realize) a little like I'd been misleading them by using the term. But now it's just "married." Done. Whether my home state (or practically any state in the U.S.) acknowledges it or not, it's legal fact, whatever gender my spouse.

Snapshots in the photoblog.

Comments

[Compa]

Congratulations! I am so very happy for both of you- for both of your marriages :-)

I usually abstain from fits of nationalistic pride, but the reception you got in Vancouver is one of the things that makes me proud to be Canadian.

We're rooting for you to get the same reception and rights below the 49th parallel. I firmly believe that the day will come.

[Beth PFLAGfostermom]

I usually just lurk, but not today.

Belated congratulations.

And dear G-d, how I want that for my boys. I want to dance at their weddings.

I want that SO MUCH.

[gawdessness]

Heartfelt congratulations!
My country does not get everything right all the time but I am happy to say that this is one of the things most of us seem to have clued into to!

[ajp]

Oh congratulations, both of you! Shannon, I'm so very glad you shared your story, especially Cole's reaction. It's gratifying to hear about such a positive execution of such a wonderful thing. By the way, would it be possible to take a look at the photoblog? I'm not sure what the application process for a password would be, but thought it wouldn't hurt to ask. Thanks.

[parodie]

I'm so happy for you, and so glad that you had this experience. Though I'm also sad that this positive experience also serves to highlight the all-too-present negative attitudes.

Congratulations to the whole family!

[Trista]

What you describe, yours and Cole's emotions and reactions, are very similar to how Kristin and I felt when we were married in San Francisco. We went to get married as an attempt to get "evidence" of our intentions to be a family, and to be part of something historical. We already considered ourselves married, we didn't think it would be that big a deal. But it was. I was just so sure that everything would stop the moment we reached the head of the line. That we would be kicked out of city hall. And then to have a Minister EXCITED to marry us -- to bend over backward to help us. And then the next day to have an entire congregation give us a standing ovation on our MARRIAGE. It blew our minds. The celebration. The kindness. The joy. Being in the light instead of being in the shadows. And for those months that the marriage was valid, I didn't have the internal hesitation over replying that I was married, that I normally have. Like you say, I didn't worry that by saying "I'm married" that I was misleading or bending or re-defining the term. It was what it was.

Before that moment, I was of the opinion that civil unions would be good enough. After feeling the difference, I no longer feel that way. Though I do agree with your position (as I understand it) that the rights and responsibilities that are currently associated with marriage should be divorced from that institution so that they can be more equitably assumed across the population by those who wish to have those rights and responsibilities toward a person or persons.

[Project Ni Hao]

What a sweet story. Congratulations you guys!

[Clementine]

Your post captures just the way I felt after Petunia's and my legal marriage in Massachusetts. Congratulations to you and Cole, and best wishes for a lifetime of happiness together!

PS--Though I didn't write in to the listserv, I'm on it. And I have a blog, too!

[Beate]

Wow, yet another eye-opening post. Thanks.

[pharmgirl]

How very lovely.

This should be read on the senate floor.

A most sincere best wishes to you both!

[Round is Funny]

When we got married at City Hall we had a very similar experience. The run-of-the mill courtesy and cheerfullness of people who heard we were about to get married was just breathtaking.

Congratulations!

[luolin]

You're making me cry.
Congratulations.

[Jody]

I teared up as soon as I got to "at which point, I fully expected her to throw me out, insisting that I of course, couldn't have a marriage license. But she didn't do that. She jotted down Cole's information,"

I'm still teary.

Congratulations!

[Margie]

Absolutely beautiful - congratulations!

[Amanda]

I am teary, too...thank you so much for sharing this with us. I let out a sigh of relief after reading of the kindness that you experienced, and then Cole's reaction..wow.

Congratulations!

[art-sweet]

What a beautiful story - and lovely pix. I esp. like the one where Nat is grabbing your necklace!

[Brooklyn Mama]

Huge congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!

[Stephanie]

Not sure if I've commented before, but congratulations to all three of you!

[mijk]

Crying for you two (three!) After all these years (5 I think) we have samesex weddings it still makes me happy that when my son askes why his uncle isn't married I can answer that he thinks about marrying with sons other uncle. I love the fact that 2 of my gayfriends keep delaying their wedding because of things like 'we wnat a big party. (It annoys me too because I love weddings) . I love the fact that it is the same as all the rest! A thing you can choose to do because you love one another..

[Dori]

Congratulations Shannon! Your post was so moving. I'm so happy for you that you had such a positive experience, and I'm sorry you had to go so far away for it.

[Jennifer (Penguin)]

Congratulations! What a beautiful story

[Susan]

Congratulations!!!

The photo I framed first from our civil union is one I took of Politica at the clerk's office in Vermont, writing the check for the civil union liscence. I teared up, and I couldn't believe how amazing it felt to simply be able to do the civil bureacracy. Like anyone else!

Eventually I framed another shot, of the ceremony itself. But that check, wow.

[Donita]

I am so happy for you, Cole and Nat!

[Holly]

Congratulations! When we got married this past summer in Canada it was an equally friendly and moving experience.

[PhoenixRising]

This captures nicely what I've tried to describe about being legally married after 10 years and one religious party: We weren't a bit more married after the license was filed than we had been before. We were, instead, full citizens in a way we had never been before.

Being married didn't change our relationship to each other, it changed our relationship to the state, which is the third participant in the marriage contract.

My agreements with my wife are sacred personal commitments; the power that only the state has to make us one another's next of kin is practical and impersonal.