Reality Check

A while back, when we were still Waiting For Nat, I wrote about the sad case of a lesbian couple I read about in the NYT magazine in which one mom's egg was used to create an embryo transferred to the second mom's uterus and the resulting twin girls, after seven years, were being legally torn away from the first mom in a bitter divorce. The second mom could do this easily, because the couple had been made to sign a document at their fertility clinic declaring the carrying mom to be the only legal parent and asking the "egg donor" to swear never to claim the resulting children or to seek out the "recipient" of her eggs (the partner with whom she had planned and consequently went on to raise the children).

At the time, I hoped such cases were a sad thing of the (if recent) past, as the article explained that the clinic had since changed their paperwork to accommodate situations like these women's.

But no. It seems that in states less enlightened than California (where the case I read about happened), lesbian moms are still forced to pick one legal parent even when undergoing a complex reproductive procedure that obviously involves them both and involves them both biologically.

Katie and her partner recently had to face that decision and sign papers giving one of them all rights to their future child and the other no rights whatever.

I want each and every one of my heterosexual allies out there to understand something loud and clear: your moral support is not enough to keep our families safe. Don't get me wrong, your moral support keeps us smiling day-to-day and reminds us that not everyone in the U.S. would like to return to biblically mandated stoning of queers in the public square. And some days, that's hard to remember. But being reminded of your good feelings towards us is not enough.

Cole and Nat and I are exceptionally lucky. We didn't plan it this way, but it just so happens that when we met and moved in and decided to have kids, we were living in a state that not only allows us to do this openly and supportively, but allows us both to be legal parents. Furthermore, there's a county in this state—and lucky us, our adoption agency is located in it—that allows families like ours to appear before a judge together and be pronounced parents together in the same legal action.

This is very, very rare. Even in places where two people of the same sex can legally parent the same child (and there are fewer of these places in the U.S. than there are places where they can't), it is almost unheard of that those two people can adopt that child together, openly, as a couple, just like any straight, married couple would be able to do as a matter of course. Most of the time, the child must first be the legal child of one parent (by adoption or by birth) and then be "second-parent" adopted (or "step-parent" adopted, as the laws that allow this were put in place for straight couples in second marriages to adopt each other’s children). Jurisdictions in which a same-sex couple can adopt together the way we did can be counted on one hand with fingers left over to spare.

If you know a real-life same-sex couple with kids, think about where you live and think about whether or not there is probably second-parent adoption available to same-sex couples there. If you think maybe not, it might well be that only one member of the couple you know is a legal parent to the child. You might already know all about this. Maybe you've talked with them about it. Maybe you've asked about it because you are interested in these issues and want to help make things better for our families. I don't want to be condescending here, because I know many of you are very savvy people. But just in case someone out there doesn't know this stuff, I want to make it really, really clear. (No more double negatives.)

Time was, when same-sex couples didn't always reveal who the legal (or even birth in the case of bio babies) parent in a couple was, because of the fear that advantage could be taken of the family with that knowledge or that the kid/s could be upset by people mentioning it or talking about who the "real" parent is. It's not unlike the adoption scenario that upsets so many people, in which first mothers get called "real" mothers right in front of small children and their adoptive parents.

But aside from the obvious legal unfairness of policies that create this kind of scary situation in which one parent has no legal rights as a parent but at best has some kind of emergency guardianship provision or power (granted by the legal parent) to make medical decisions etc., I think an overlooked issue here is basic marriage and family stability.

Our detractors accuse queer families (partnerships with or without kids) of being inherently unstable. Well, I'd just like to say, inherently? No. Unstable? Quite possibly. But entirely by nefarious design.

If you are in a straight relationship and you have kids—oh heck, let's throw infertility stress into the mix, since Katie and her partner had to do this at the RE's office—just imagine someone handing you a piece of paper and a pen before the embryo transfer and telling you that if you don't put into writing right now which of you will have 100% legal parentage of your future child and which of you will have 0% of same, there can and will be no transfer.

What does this do to your marriage? Feminist scholars have been documenting for decades the damage economic dependency does to the psyches of women in traditional—yea, even quite economically well-off—family relationships. What would the kind of dependency that gives you access to your child only through your partner do to a psyche? How would it change the day-to-day power struggles of every normal marriage? How would it affect confidence in parenting to never be able to sign forms at school or the doctor's office for your own child (in Katie's case, the child you bore in your own body) without the written permission of your partner? How would living that way day-in, day-out exacerbate the niggly trust issues every normal relationship carries like intestinal bacteria?

Let's say you're straight, let's say you lived with your significant other for a while (maybe even a really long time) before marriage, but married, finally. Why'd you bother to do that? Why did you—while having a happy relationship and day-to-day togetherness and common decision-making and shared responsibilities and goals—desire to add that legal document to your relationship? I'm not so much interested in the legal reasons. What about the relational ones? How did that paper change the quality of your relationship and why? What felt different about it when you woke up the morning after the wedding? Share your reasons with us. They are probably the same kinds of reasons—legal, political and economic issues aside—queers have for feeling the need for that piece of paper.

When I say your moral support isn't enough, I am really, really not trying to be an ungrateful jerk. It's just that playground taunts about having two mommies isn't really the problem our children face. Our children do sometimes face that problem, but all children face playground taunts about something. The real problem our children face is laying awake at night after a disturbing piece on the news about a state trying to de-legalize same-sex parenting and worrying that someone might come take them away from their families. Our children face not just individual "homophobia" that leads their great-grandmothers to refuse to acknowledge their existence (um, yeah…) but systemic heterosexism which leads to dangers not only of the legal variety but of the personal, psychological sort.

And this is ticking me off today in a big way. Because I have fought long and hard and spent money out the whazoo for my (glowing, thank you) mental health, and these policies, put in place by people who claim to have families' best interests at heart, tear away at and threaten that health—and with it, my daughter's growing psyche—every day in small and large ways. Every day our families face not just curious stares or silly remarks; not just legal frustrations and economic unfairness, but internal threats to our loyal ranks, simmering mistrust in our kitchens and creeping anxieties in our living rooms.

And it's because we have to answer these kinds of questions regularly:

Who is the applicant? Who pretends to be the roommate? Who is the "real" parent? Who pretends to be the nanny?

Whose name goes on which line?

UPDATE:

Please read all of the comments on this post. There are more stories, suggestions and truly vital information for those who are concerned about these issues. I will also post more soon about good organizations folks can have their wedding guests support in lieu of gifts as suggested by jlp below.

Comments

[jlp]

Your anger is understandable.

I am a straight woman, living with my male partner, planning on getting married this upcoming summer. Even BEFORE the wedding, I believe that simply the knowledge of it has changed our relationship in mostly intangible (positive) ways. I cannot believe that such an experience is not available to everyone. It is a moral travesty that marriage is not available to people of the same sex in this country.

Thus, (once we get around to registering), we are planning to "register" at an organization that is working to make gay marriage a reality. I had been thinking HRC (www.hrc.org), but I am more than open to other ideas.

P.S. I love the term heterosexism. It places responsibility much more accurately, I believe.

[Pronoia]

Thank you, Shannon. My partner and I are heading this direction, and while we are lucky enough to be living in a state that allows second-parent adoption, it's still a lot of paperwork and money to ensure that we both get the legal right to make decisions for our child.

[Marisa]

Thank you. Very well put. My friends in Florida and Ohio and Missouri talk all the time about waking up in the middle of the night terrified because they have no legal rights to their babies. I can only hope by the time those babies are old enough to understand that things will be a little bit better.

[shibug]

Thank You! Well said.
My partner and I are expecting our first child this year, I'm 6.5 months pregnant. And thank gawd we live in California. We're registered domestic partners here and we have the protected right to make legal/medical decisions for each other, among other basic rights afforded to straight married couples. As a matter of fact, her name will actually appear on the birth certificate next to mine! She will automatically be the legal guardian of our child with me as soon as it is born. But, at the same time that I feel blessed to have this (basic human) right, which I know the overwhelming majority of people in our country do not have, I also feel trapped. Trapped in California. We've already said to ourselves several times that we'd probably never leave California because of these rights. And, should we decide to leave the state (and we DO like to travel) we need durable powers of attorney for each other (because other states do not recognize our domestic partnership status) and my partner's guardianship status of our child is not guaranteed. So, even though we get the benefit of her not having to adpot our child (as long as we never leave the state), it is HIGHLY encouraged to do so anyway so that it will be recognized in other states.

Like I said, I feel blessed, I know we could have ended up in a state were things are much worse off... but it's hard to enjoy my "rights" when I know so few people really share them with me.

[Julie]

Along these lines...please send your thoughts to us in Ohio...not only do we not have second parent adoption, but House Bill 515 was just introduced which will ban gay,lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people from adopting. U-Haul anyone? We gotta get out of here!

[mamadaisy]

I spoke with a conservative friend a few weeks ago over drinks and was horrified by her response when the subject of same-sex marriage came up. I don't understand why an otherwise intelligent person can think that her own marriage would somehow be damaged by another couple of the same sex getting married. One simply has nothing to do with the other, but that is what she truly believed.

I am sorry you have to fight an uphill battle just to be a parent.

[Miss]

This subject makes me incoherent with anger. I'm straight and married after 10 years together to make adoption from China easier for us. Talk about benefitting from heterosexism.

My own extremely conservative, religous, intolerant mother supports the far right policy of screwing people out of their rights. It boggles my mind whenever we talk about it. I have 5 gay cousins that she is close to and loves, not to mention her neighbors are a lesbian couple that she adores and hangs out with all the time. However, at the same time she feels justified (through her fundamental christian religion) to keep people she supposedly loves from having the same rights she has. It's crazy-making.

It's frustrating to give money to groups like HRC, vote as liberal as I can get, write letters, sign petitions, get mad and talk about issues and still feel like we're banging our heads against willful ignorance and plain old fashioned meanness. I naively thought that by exposing people like my mother to the very people she'd keep under her thumb that she'd see that "they" are the same as "us" and realize that love is love. Let's all have some of that! But no, it seems like there are plenty of people out there willing to stonewall any kind of change that benefits someone other than themselves.

I'm truly sorry for that. I promise to keep duking it out, but man, it's disheartening and it's not even my family at risk (yet). I feel for you guys. Give that sweet Nat kisses and keep in mind that there are people (straight people that benefit from this stupid status quo) that care.

See? Totally ranty. Argh.

[Susan]

You are so right: rules matter, laws matter. I've been thinking about your post all day (and ended up composing my own rant on the subject). You've really articulated one of the central issues here for our lived reality: the nature of the law promotes instability for us. And that's so not fair.

[Dana]

A little over three years ago, I donated an egg to my partner, who bore our son. We worked with a lawyer in NJ who helped us successfully petition the state to put both our names on the birth certificate from the moment of birth. We were in fact the second couple in NJ to do this--the first beat us by about a month. We very deliberately refused to sign any of the standard documents at our fertility clinic that would have made me waive my rights over the child, and in fact worked with them to prepare more appropriate materials for lesbian couples.

It was so gratifying to have the state recognize that we made the decision to create a new life and parent together. Also, there were obvious legal and financial protections in having us both as legal parents from the start. It incenses me that most states will not recognize how this benefits children, and that some states (OK) may not even recognize fully legal same-sex adoptions from other states. (Whatever happened to the "Full Faith and Credit" clause of the U. S. Constitution?)

I won't post our lawyer's name here, since I don't want to seem too commercial, but if anyone is in NJ and is interested, send me an e-mail (drudolph@mombian.com).

[mopsa]

God. This is a brilliant essay and I am going to link to it from my blog.I struggle with my supportive wonderful straight friends who think that moral support is enough. I haven't been able to effectively articulate why I've distanced myself from some of my partner's family who seem so supportive of our desire to adopt, and yet continue to be vocal supporters of Bush and his bullshit agenda. This is why. If our politics aren't aligned in this regard, they can't possibly support my family or my desire for a family. Their words mean nothing. Superficial support isn't enough. Moral support is easy. Anyone can be a cheerleader. It takes guts to rise up against injustice. I only have room for guts. I can't settle for anything less.

[Beth]

Shibug - we're here in Southern California (I'm a transplant from Illinois), and we totally get the feeling trapped in the state. And, actually, we've been warned that it might be possible for authorities in another state to ignore the birth certificate and *still* refuse to recognize the non-gestational mom, so couples are still being advised to complete a second parent adoption. Kristen and Michele (anderson[dash]bettega[dot]typepad[dot]com) just went through that recently.

[shannon]

Hi everyone--thanks for sharing experiences, please keep them coming.

We ourselves were advised to adopt one at a time, since the joint adoptions in Cook County (IL) are based only on judicial precedent and not law. The concern is a law could get written in the future to overturn them.

We went the joint route anyway, against our lawyer's advice. It was really important to us psychicly, and if any jack-booted thugs ever DID show up at our door and threaten to take Nat? We have friends in Canada, Britain, France and South Africa and we are not ashamed to claim political assylum.

[Dee]

What a great essay. It's all so true. We're in Ohio and my partner and I had to pay a pretty significant amount of money (to us anyway) just for her to achieve "co-custody." So far her position has been respected at the hospital and dr's offices, but whos to say that luck will continue. Also, as someone said above, they recently introduced HB 515 and could make things even worse here.

I just dont understand how our family is a threat to anyone else. I've tried to listen to their side, but it never makes any sense to me.

[Elizabeth]

I'm in Virginia, and things suck royally here.

I figure as long as I have heterosexual privilege, it's my job to stay here and fight. (A lot of gay and lesbian couples I know are moving to Maryland, and I can't blame them.) I signed the HRC petition, but my money is going to the local group, Equality Virginia.

[afrindiemum]

yup. great post. we've got to get out there and petition our government to legalize same sex marriage. luckily, we live in a state that allows second-parent adoptions. for that, we are thankful. but we go volunteer for the 'right to marriage' phone campaigns whenever called upon by our local organizations.

more people need to do these kinds of things.

[Katie/WannaBeMom]

Shannon,
All I can say is that this was incredible. When I posted about having to sign those papers, I could never have been this articulate. And reading the comments has been awesome. It's amazing to see so much support for this issue.