Whither my Professional Ambition? or: How to Waste 10 years and $100K on Your Rapidly Atrophying Brain

I've been reading The Price of Motherhood, by Ann Crittenden. I have thought for pretty much, ever, that women who mother 24/7 at home with little or no income-producing other work ought to get paid for it by someone, preferably the government. Failing that, it would be nice to at least accrue some Social Security credit for the labor. Other countries do this. Not all of them, of course, but a handful. And the ones that do have very low rates of child poverty. The book goes into this in detail and it's terribly interesting.

But in spite of my interest in this topic, I never thought it would have any direct personal ramifications for me.

One of the biggest expenses in raising children is the loss of wages to a woman who slows down or breaks entirely from her career while her kids are little. I have thought a lot about this, believe me. Without that Social Security credit and without a job that would allow me to save for retirement, I am entirely at the mercy of my partner's longevity and/or will. And of course, lesbian families and inheritance taxes and the government taking back their share of her retirement contributions and blah blah blah...Shannon retires in poverty and becomes a greeter at Walmart.

(Nothing puts me in a worse mood than being greeted at Walmart (and like places) by an elderly person who ought to be playing golf in Arizona somewhere, but instead is stuck on his or her feet in a stupid red apron pointing at a shopping cart I can find perfectly well on my own, thank you! Why is our society so woefully crappy at taking care of our elders that they are reduced to this in their "golden" years?)

Anyway, reading the book has inspired me to tell you what I was going to be when I grew up and how that changed and what I hope to be now.

When I was in college, I was going to get a BA in English, then maybe an MA, or maybe just a teacher's certificate and become a high school English teacher. Once in college, I found myself in what I realize, with hindsight, was a pre-graduate-degree-in-the-humanities honors program in which a mentor convinced me, during my senior year, that I ought to go on and get a PhD and plan to teach college. He assured me that his generation (the oldest of the baby boomers) would be retiring just as I finished this degree and there would be jobs by the gadzillions opening up everywhere.

(pause for laughter/tears from my academic readers)

My then-boyfriend, soon-to-be-fiance (now ex) told me he had decided either to be an advertising executive or an Episcopal priest (he is neither, now) and I voted priest. So off we went to seminary. I figured, as long as I was there, I'd get a degree too. So I got a Master's in Religious Education and did some student teaching and got my certification, shelved it and applied to PhD programs in English. At that point, I figured I'd go ahead and get the PhD for fun (do I need to pause again?) and then teach high school anyhow. But somewhere along the grad school way, I decided to go for the tenure-track university job after all.

Ten years in the PhD program, $100K in student loans, coming out, divorce, remarriage, yadda-yadda, stay-at-home mom.

Okay, here's what's under the yadda-yadda:

Last summer there was a BIG conference in our town and Famous Academics from the World Over descended upon us. Some of them descended into my very home for a big sloppy party with way, way too many interesting people per square foot. One in particular descended on my couch and started chatting with me. She asked about my dissertation and my teaching interests. I told her about those things and then I told her that we were also waiting for a baby through adoption. "But what if you get a job in another state?" she asked. She had a genuinely clueless look on her face. "I won't" I assured her. "But how can you possibly control that?" she asked again, with real confusion. Suddenly, I had an epiphany.

"Because I will prioritize my family" I explained. And she looked at me as if my head had suddenly become a wheel of swiss cheese.

And I realized all at once that the people I've been surrounded with for the past decade place no value whatever on things like marriages and babies. At least, if they do, they have learned to bury and hide it very carefully because the institutions they work for have no sympathy or interest. As another academic friend said recently, "we all feel our children are more important than our research, but no one dares admit it." One of my dissertation committee members has a very healthy, happy family with two kids, but she didn't even wear her wedding ring to her job interviews, let alone tell them she was newly pregnant.

So there I was, on the brink of finishing this big project that had consumed my blood, sweat and tears for over ten years, and I realized that it had to be set aside, given the other things I wanted in life at this point. My partner has a very solid career and has been promoted as far as you can be promoted and still be teaching. She certainly can't pick up and move to follow me to a mere assistant professorship in a new place. We can't have a commuting relationship with a new baby. And I have glimpsed the storied Partner Hire of Academia via others' experiences and it is not for me. There aren't all that many interesting non-academic career paths for PhDs to choose from in this itsy-bitsy town and the money I'd make might cover daycare. Or it might not. But it would not get me the retirement account of my dreams, that's for certain.

I was in academic limbo with a shiny new degree, and a choice: jump into the uncertain waters of the tenure-track job market or do something completely different.

In some ways, it's the perfect place for a career hiatus. I finished the degree but I have not invested anything in the (exceptionally stressful) tenure path. In some ways, waiting until one is 35 to finish school and enter the job market (retirement again) is pretty foolish to begin with. Not to go ahead and start working my butt off now that I can is financial suicide.

So I am dependent on my partner not just for the present but for the long-term futue as well. And unlike the women Crittenden discusses in her book, I'm not even a wife who is legally entitled to anything at all accrued by my family in the comng years. And while I have 150% faith that my partner and I will not split up (been there, done that, not again, thanks), I don't necessarily have faith in our government or court system to regard me as her dependent in the event of disaster. Just look at the situation post-Katrina. Once again, as after 9-11, same-sex partner survivors are getting stiffed on federal assistance and rights that married surviving spouses get automatically.

So why in heaven's name am I a stay-at-home-mom? Because I'm a fool for love. Parenting Nat is the most fun, most fulfilling thing I've ever done in my life. And there are lots of close seconds. I have had a fun, fulfilling life so far. But in spite of the fact that my head now indeed feels like that wheel of swiss cheese ("mom brain" is not hormonal gals, I'm an adoptive mom, and I have it too), this beats all my grad seminars and all my conference papers and all my lectures, hands down.

I have restyled myself a freelance writer. This is not a lucrative career (unless you are Stephen King). It is not a career at all, as of this moment, because, well, I haven't sold a single piece of writing to anyone, anywhere, yet. I'm also going to try this online teaching. I am hoping I love it because it's a nice portable job, if benefits-less. (That's what became of the gadzillion open slots left by the retirees predicted by my college mentor, by the way, they went adjunct and benefits-less.)

I do want to have a writing and teaching career, if not one that demands a pint of blood per week like a Research I tenure-track gig would do. For one thing, I will miss those things if I don't do them at least a little. For another, though, I think it will make me a better mother to have a professional identity. I don't want Nat thinking that girlie mamas like myself are all chief cooks and bottle-washers (not that there would be anything wrong with that if they got the respect they deserved).

But since Nat got here, the glamorous life of an academic rock star I once thought I wanted has all but lost its lustre. It's strange. I never would have predicted it. I don't think day-in, day-out baby care to the exclusion of most else is for everyone. It's good I have a professional option that doesn't require me to clock in on anyone else's schedule. Not everyone has that. I also have the option of forgoing decent pay while my partner supports the family finacially. I also have a partner who recognizes the labor I do as a valuable contribution to the family budget and well-being. Not everyone has those things either.

So I am lucky and I know it. Still, that Social Security credit would really help me sleep at night for whatever few hours Nat allows.

Comments

[sster]

I've thought a lot about what you've written above, as I am about to be in much the same position. I wish universities were more accepting of children and families. Parents should not have to pretend that they don't have either in order to be successful--and yet, if you have a child there is this unspoken judgment that you aren't serious about your work. With three babies coming into our department this year, I'm hoping that will start to change. I don't know...

I DO know that in order for women to TRULY have choice, the workplace has to accommodate children, and their labor as parents has to be compensated as such.

[kristin]

Really nice post! I have thought about these things too, having toyed (at least in my mind) with the academia route myself. I now find myself floating in a wierd, almost "careerless" state, and though I sometimes love it, it is at times terrifying, (esp. being dependant, despite the trust I have in my husband), and so not what I envisioned.

I hope, too, to be a mom soon, and I agree with you on wanting to show my daughter (or son) that I can (and want) to do professional things and have an identity that is at times separate from home and all things momma.

Ah, the balancing act, it is a hard one...

[suburban misfit]

I went through something similar, only I was intending to pursue a PhD in Psychology when The Boy came along. Fast-forward eight years and one more child, and I know I made the best decision for us.

My husband set up retirement accounts for me. They're in my name and he contributes to them just as he contributes to his. And he took out an insurance policy on himself that will take care of us quite nicely, should (God forbid) something happen to him.

And I'm pursuing an entirely different career path, for when my kids are older and I don't feel they need me full-time anymore.

[witchtrivets]

hmm. I agree with you that parenting is a worthwhile profession -- however, it makes me a little uncomfortable when putting value in "marriages and babies" gets approval from everyone before just valuing marriage or valuing one's personal life outside of work.

Not that I think that is what you were saying -- but it so easy for gay families to be devalued the less they resemble the typical married with kids structure. And I know that raising children is valuable in its own way. But I think there is still a struggle to just value marriage in all its forms.

[Melessa]

I'm just sitting here nodding in agreement. I gave up my MA in Classical Archeology while pregnant with my first baby because, after an unpleasant but eye-opening conversation with one of my professors, I realized I had no desire to follow that career path with small children at home. Eight years and three more children later, I am terrified when I think of my non-existent retirement fund and the very small one my husband is accumulating because most of his money goes to supporting us. It is, indeed, scary stuff.

[halloweenlover]

Ok, I am mortified that I never thought of this in this particular way. Of course I've realized that same sex relationship are not accorded the same benefits or rights, but the thought that you wouldn't receive 50% in a divorce never occurred to me or be treated as a dependent in the case of disaster. I cried over 9/11 stories of partners that didn't get recognition, but still didn't fully understand until I read your post. Wow.

I've considered staying at home with kids or working part-time and the retirement thing does scare me, but I guess since I've always assumed the state would give me half in a divorce or everything if something happened to my husband. This is a whole new way to look at it.

Thanks for this fabulous post. I hope the online teaching thing works out too, it'd be a nice way to exercise brain muscles without leaving the house : )

[Emily]

I've had the same disenchantment with academia, and have spoken with more and more people who express it. Despite the fact that I started a PhD program and am expected to finish it as quickly as my MA (it did involve fights with my husband when I put in the actual number of hours per week that were needed), have not yet broken the news to my advisor that I do not want to stay in academia. She's understanding of married life and varying priorities for each person, but what if?..... On the same note, my sister, who's also married, just started a PhD program in Econ at a prestigious university. "They" said during orientation that the students' job is not to work at the Federal Reserve or as analysts anywhere. That, for a PhD, would only be failure. Rather, they are supposed to become academics or think-tankers, spreading the university's influence throughout the world and climbing the ranks high enough to earn a lot (hard for a humanities student to imagine) and donate back. Sound nauseating to you, too? Then her probable advisor asked at a picnic whether she thinks she'll start a family in grad school, and he didn't seem to mean it negatively. Talk about mixed messages. She's hoping that her hubby will get tenure there, and she can put the brakes on grad school for a couple semesters to have their first child.
My question is this: we know that our advisors want us to publish like mad with our U-of-where-ever credentials and be hot shots. So is it that much worse when they tell you flat-out what's expected? Or is the wheel of Swiss cheese worse, where they assume you know it and you'll follow along an unspoken agreement - otherwise punishment (denial of funding) is in store?

[Susan]

I read this post last night and have been thinking about it on and off all day, trying to figure out why I want to resist it even as I totally agree with your analysis of the true costs of motherhood in some configurations and the vulnerability added for lesbian families. I'm more in Cole's position than yours (was an associate prof who got promoted to professor in the academic year following our adoption; my partner was in the midst of her probationary assistant professorship). We've been darn lucky with the two-career-in-academia job searches, too (although that's another story). It's been relatively easy to get my institution to give me a lot of personal and formal support for parenting, so maybe I want to resist the parts of your post that paint all universities so anti-family. (there are elements of my uni's "let's all work harder all the time' ethos that I think are anti-family but also just ani-people, but on the whole I've been pretty well supported. But then, I'm an older parent with a established track record in my institution. It's a privilege that someone coming out of grad school wouldn't have.

Without falling into a trap where we want to have it all, do we need to say I prioritize my family over my career? Everything you say about the joys of parenting Nat I would also say about my parenting. It's the best thing (so in that sense, i do prioritize family first). But I want to resist a family vs. job dichotomy (and you probably do, too....I hope I don't sound argumentative here; I'm trying to think through my simultaneous resistance and agreement).

And maybe my resistance comes from having gotten my degree from a Research I institution that could only train students to work at other RI schools, which I thought was short sighted. There are lots of other kinds of schools around and maybe I'm just resisting a monolithic view of what academe can be like. Not to say all non RI schools are all easy places to be a parent and professor, but that maybe I'm reacting to the blinders in my own grad school advisors and training.

I'll keep thinking.

[Katie/WannaBeMom]

I become more and more convinced that we must meet for a few glasses of wine or coffee or whatever.

I won't go into too much detail here, but I'm so on the same path. I've told my committee I won't do a job search and go anywhere for a job. My family is here, and Partner has a business, and this is what I am doing. When I told my advisor I was taking the summer off to learn the books at the company, she said it was a good idea. At the same time, they've all expressed some dismay, but are incredibly supportive. (I have the best committee in the world.)

My mother stresses a lot about this, and I could write more about that, but mostly for the some of reasons you outline: our relationship is not protected, no benefits, etc.

Oh, see I am starting to go on for too long, but let me offer you one word of hope: my dear friend is a freelance writer and she's very very successful! It took her a few years, but she is doing really well now.

Great post! Thank you!

[cluttergirl]

Interestingly the infertility kept me from "ruining" my career. When I started trying to get pregnant I just had my first color picture book published. When I told the editor I was hoping to get pregnant and be a stay at home working mom, she was appalled. She was "but your career! You have so much promise!". And here I am 10 years later with no children, and work coming out my ears. (though not money or benefits, since I am self-employed). I do somewhat feel like a bus headed for the river at this point however. When I started ttc I had very low overhead (small rented apartment etc), and could afford to work very little. Now I have built this career, but I don't think it is going to float well with a child in the house fulltime, now that I have so much work, but also cannot really scale back without completely changing my lifestyle (ie I now own a 5plex I am responsible for etc). I guess I'll see how much the bus floats. Who knows, maybe it is more amphibian than I think. I do know that most people with my career do have children, so think it is less childphobic than academia, but still don't know that I will feel very professional trying to have business discussions with a baby crying in the background, or interrupting calls for toilet training! We'll see.
I do have a lesbian mom friend who is now a tenured professor and head of her department... her daughter was born while she was doing her BA, about 10 when she got her phd, and she seems to have managed, but she is perhaps the most driven and stressed person I know. Interesting post.

[Elizabeth]

Really interesting posts and comments.

Families like yours are definitely the ones most screwed over by the not counting of parenting as work for social security. Single parents mostly can't afford to be at-home parents in any case, and married straight couples generally get as much as or more from the spousal benefit under SS as they'd get from any deemed earnings for caregiving.

[momof2]

I need to find that book. It sounds interesting.
This post is such a goulash of thought provoking subjects. I really love reading your blog.

You *are* lucky, to have a stable family life, a supportive partner that recognizes your role in the home as ultra important.. and that you are getting by. I'm so sorry that you don't receive equal medical insurance etc. from the employer. I really hope this changes for you in the near future.

I can't imagine my life ten years from now. I'm currently $28 grand in the hole (student loan debt) and college isn't even finished for me. This is simply undergrad. I'm 31. I'll probably have to work until i'm 80. It scares the hell out of me.
re: walmart greeter. Nothing broke my heart worse in this life, than seeing my own grandmother forced to work at McD's in her 60's, because her factory job closed down and she was pretty much robbed of her pension.
I've read about 3rd world countries that provide support for mothers that stay home. It's not only accepted, it's encouraged. The value on family life and stability is just so much stronger in other places.